Hey there,


I broke up with my boyfriend 6 months ago because he wouldn't commit, and worse, he wouldn't really talk about it, or seem like he wanted to work through it. Basically, he would never talk about the future, and I started getting restless. I told him that I need a clearer path forward for us, and he told me that he's never loved anyone the way he loves me, but that he couldn't give me what I need. He gave me a bunch of really dumb excuses (like that I'm not tall enough, that he couldn't move in because he's got very heavy bookshelves, and that I like the beach and he doesn't) I was devastated- and I know that he was too. While it's true that I broke it off, I felt that he didn't give me any choice- he didn't want to work through the issues.

He's struggled with depression his entire life, been to many therapists, been on various medications, and has been hospitalized for suicidal thoughts twice that I know of. He is currently not seeing anyone or taking anything. He struggles with feelings of worthlessness and negative thought cycles. There were a few times when we'd be having a nice time, then some kind of look would wash over his face. I'd ask what was wrong, and he'd say something about what a horrible person he is. I'd be shocked. Horrible person?? What? Where did this come from? He's one of the kindest, most thoughtful, dependable people I know. Definitely the best man I've ever dated-character wise. We had a really good, loving, supportive, fun relationship. I was happier with him than I had been in a very long time, and his friends and family would say the same about him. Everyone thought we were fantastic together, as did I.

For the first 4 months we had little communication- I kept hoping that he would come to his senses. I knew how much he missed me, but he played it so close to the vest- he was acting unfazed by the breakup, as if it didn't really matter to him. I guess I was doing the same thing- I shut him out of my life- blocking him from FB, removing myself from his work things. I was so broken hearted, I thought that I could just close him out and move on- 6 months later I'm writing this missing the hell out of him. About 2 months ago he sent me a FB friend request which I didn't accept. I wanted more than that, I wanted him to ask to see me. He did offer to help me finish a project that he had helped me start, but then slacked on getting back to me for a week and I finished it. I thought, ok, he is willing to see me, he knows I'm willing to see him, even though this project plan didn't work out, he will ask to see me again. He didn't. He suggested that I go to a show that he wasn't going to. I didn't respond. The little communication we've had had been this way- one of us just doesn't respond.

About 3 weeks later I ran into his daughter at a party. Out of the blue she said to me "My dad knew you were the best thing for him and he was terrified". She said "He's so set in his ways, I don't think he even knows how." I became overwhelmed with emotion & cried myself to sleep that night.

The following week he showed up at a party where he knew I would be, that was the first time I saw him since the breakup. He's a social guy in that he goes out a lot (a few nights a week) to play and/or listen to music. He will talk to people about music and politics, but he's definitely not the life-of-the-party type. He showed up to this party telling stories, laughing loudly, and doting on me like it was his job. It seemed like he was trying really hard to seem okay. I had to leave about 2 hours after he got there and he was visibly upset. The next day he was full of questions for my friend about me. Asking her about 4 times if I'm okay, how I'm doing. She said that he seemed like he had made a mistake and didn't know what he was doing. (He did that once before, in April, asking a mutual friend about me 5 times in 7 hours.)

A week later, I emailed him "Sooo...I heard you had lotsa questions about me for Lauren. I betcha I have more answers than she does". He wrote back "I don't think I was grilling her or anything, but I did want to check and see if you're okay.". I wrote back "Thanks for asking". I gave him a door to walk through there and he didn't take it.

About 2 weeks ago I decided to take matters into my own hands and texted him to ask if he'd like to meet me for a drink. He texted right back offering Saturday. I was busy so we planned on Sunday. I showed up looking great and he was way more nervous than I was. I didn't talk about 'us', I wanted to just spend some time and feel it out. If I wanted to know if he loves and misses me, well the answer is a resounding YES.

This guy keeps his thoughts and feelings so closely guarded, which is what caused this breakdown and break up I believe in the first place. I did know that about him- the self-protective walls he puts up. They were generally lower with me than with most people, but they were still most definitely there with me. He blocks out most people, and most emotion because he can't handle it.

You know how some people are passive aggressive? They are nice to your face but then nasty behind your back? He's the opposite. He tries to seem indifferent toward me, but behind the scenes he's checking up on me and doing me favors without telling me! For the 4 months that we barely communicated, the little communication we did have was nice but cold. Seeing him twice in the past month- he's trying to seem happy and unfazed by the breakup, but I see right through it. His love for me was all over him when we met up, as it was at that party.

When we saw each other he told me about a favor he did for me a few weeks back. At that point we hadn't seen each other in 4 months- but he went ahead and did this anyway. We've emailed since then and he was nice, but again, kept it very short. Why didn't he tell me until I happened to ask him to meet me?

So I texted him a few days later to thank him for the favor, and he wrote back a longish text telling me that he will do it again, and asking the question as to when. I got back to him the next morning with an answer and question for him. (I also accepted that FB friend request) That was 2 weeks ago and he didn't respond.

Last Friday he posted to his FB page "I was mentally ill before it was cool". I was SHOCKED!!!! He would talk to me about his depression, but it wasn't easy for him. That was the most vulnerable I've seen him be publicly, ever.

So his birthday was yesterday and I debated contacting him again. I decided that I would. Over 100 people wished him happy birthday on his FB page, and I'm the only one he responded to. "Thanks. It was mostly a working day, but it went pretty well." Sigh...That's how most of the little communication we have goes...He will respond but not give me anything to respond to.

I'm not sure what to do anymore. I can't keep contacting him without him putting forth some effort. But at the same time, I keep reading stories on here and other places about depressed people who let the love of their lives go- and regretting it deeply. I know what we had, and I know that he loves me very much. But he's not stepping up and I can't make him. At least when we were together I convinced him to pay out of pocket for health insurance and agreed to go to the doctor. He's still paying for this very expensive insurance but NOT using it.

Can you give me some advice as to how to proceed here? I love this man more than I can say, and I know he loves me just as much. How do I get through to him without scaring him off again, or end up being a doormat myself?