leasam, my thoughts go out to you. I know how it feels to be terrified of sex. It sounds like seeing a therapist about this is the best choice here, esp if you have an abusive past. Just keep in mind that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. if he loves you he'll help you work through it. it sounds like you do have a deep emotional relationship with him, so I think if you both go to counseling you can find a way through it.

A friend of mine and her husband had a healthy sexual relationship until a year ago. She'd been abused in the past and changes with her physical and mental health caused her to be very depressed and sex became too painful for her. it made her miserable, and her husband didn't understand what was wrong. she and her husband saw a therapist and are doing much better now.

best of luck to you. maybe we'll both get over our fears.