Quote:
Originally Posted by vonmoxie
... Okimoto, T.G., Wenzel, M. and Hedrick, K., 2012), may offer some insight into why some might not apologize much or at all:[INDENT] Despite an understanding of the perception and consequences of apologies for their recipients, little is known about the consequences of interpersonal apologies, or their denial, for the offending actor. In two empirical studies, we examined the unexplored psychological consequences that follow from a harm-doer’s explicit refusal to apologize. Results showed that the act of refusing to apologize resulted in greater self-esteem than not refusing to apologize. Moreover, apology refusal also resulted in increased feelings of power/control and value integrity, both of which mediated the effect of refusal on self-esteem. These findings point to potential barriers to victim–offender reconciliation after an interpersonal harm, highlighting the need to better understand the psychology of harm-doers and their defensive behavior for self-focused motives.... |
Interesting. It kind of sounds like a variation of what I've observed (not special, many, many people have, obviously). That yeah, people who don't apologize seem to get some kind of ego-boost from it, and definitely a power/control thing. But it seems like they've put a positive spin on it. Not that positive is a bad thing, but I think it's probably unwarranted for this scenario. The last sentence is interesting in light of that. Defensive behavior and self-focused motives are, a lot of times, not from a positive place.
Observation definitely suggests that people who don't apologize do it out of a misguided notion that they're never wrong. Or in the wrong. Which is ridiculous, because it is equivalent to saying one is perfect(!) Defensiveness often comes out of insecurity overcompensation, doesn't it? It does seem that they subscribe also to the "and that makes me better than you" notion. Putting others down to "elevate"(HA!) oneself. Refusing to acknowledge one's wrong-doing (which tends to be accompanied by casting blame onto others) is putting others down (imo). There is someone where I work that is working that to the hilt (on me). It'd be funny if it weren't so sad. She puts out this snotty attitude showing her "superiority" by blaming everything (real and imagined, lol) on me and my "ineptitude". Truth is, I kick her butt, and she knows it. (Not bragging, simple numerical fact.) What's really going on is that she's insecure, jealous and lashes out by making like she has nothing to apologize for. So, blah blah blah, yeah there's an ego-boost thing and a power thing, but they're definitely not in a good way.
There is such a thing as apologizing
too much, but most of the time it's more the other way... Common decency and manners, people. They wouldn't kill anyone. (Haha, but you'd think they
would seeing how some people act, wouldn't you?!
)
On the victim/offender thing, it comes down to being able to put yourself in the other person's shoes, doesn't it? That in itself is a pretty good indicator of when apology is needed.
Personally, I tend to apologize readily. I grew up with no apologies and vowed to never be like that.