I realize this thread is stale now, and am not sure if you'll come back to read it. I wanted to say, though, that I totally understand what you're going through. I love my kids, but had really bad PPD with both of them. Being around them wasn't fulfilling when they were little...I didn't have the energy or the stability to 'just relax and enjoy them'. Every cry lit me up inside, and even when they were playful and happy, often I was still too overwhelmed with the PPD to join in or appreciate it. I totally know what you mean when you say you don't want the kids right now, and that you feel like they're a chore. I know how it feels when you aren't connecting with them emotionally (at least the 'good' emotions). I also know how soul-crushing it is to be aware that we're supposed to be all these things to our children and they're supposed to be fulfilling our souls, and to have that not be your experience. I felt (and still do, often) ashamed of that, broken, like a failure as a mother. And it didn't feel like there was a damn thing I could do about it. The helpful advice from others to just enjoy this time was like a knife in my gut every time...if I could have 'just enjoyed' it, I would have! That was the problem. Pointing out what I already knew were my shortcomings wasn't helpful or supportive - just contributed more to the self-loathing, frustration, grief and anger.

With my first, I don't think I ever really came out of it...it got slightly better after about a year or so, but not awesome. Then I got pregnant again & had a miscarriage. Hormones went all over the place. Honestly, I don't have very many memories at all from her first several years...I see videos I took and don't remember being there. I never sought treatment during this time, which was really a bad idea, looking back.

When I had my son (almost 4 years after my daughter), I got the PPD again, but worse. This time, I talked to my doctor; she prescribed me an anti-depressant at around 6 months or so. It helped with the really low parts, but muted everything. I became really apathetic...nothing was enjoyable. It was better than the depression for me, but my husband thinks it was almost worse. I weaned off those another 6 months or so later (could have been longer). I think the depression finally cleared up when my son was 18 months to 2 years old.

Really good for the past almost 2 years. Then another major episode has kicked in now...just my regular depression. Those couple of years were nice, though.