I'm not too sure how to start. I left my ex a month ago and I have refused to go back. We have been on and off for 9 years. The first two years he was constantly cheating on me. Or leaving me for someone else. He was my first everything and I loved him. And he loved me. And we would always end up back together. Before my daughter we got back together after a very ugly break up. He had been cheating on me but I was the one in trouble because I broke it off between them. So when we got back together he said he was going to still sleep with other women. I don't know if he did or not. But then I got pregnant with my daughter and things were great. After I had her though I rarely saw him. I was 17 and still living with my parents. We fought but not a whole lot. Then I got pregnant with my son. I remember towards the end of that pregnancy I told him I felt like we were drifting apart. He denied it though. He had wanted me to move in with him but I didn't. His mom hated me so I couldn't stand the idea of living there. When my son was born I spent two weeks with him and it was great. And I thought we would be more like a family. But then he said his mom didn't want me there anymore so I had to go back home. He never stood up to his mom for me and our kids. After I left it got awful. I was in college now and found a job because I hated asking him for money. Things were getting worse between us and I told him it was like we lived two separate lives. He said that wasn't true. He was such a liar. When my son was 9 months I found out he had been cheating on me. I broke it off with him and he begged me not to. Then within a few days I was begging him back and he was telling me no. Then for the next 3 years it was hell. I never moved on. I waited for him because he was constantly telling me he loved me and wanted to make things work. And then he'd have hickies on his neck. Or I'd find out he was still talking to that girl. It turned out he had been cheating on me since our son was 1 month. They were together for two years, all the time telling me he wanted me and coming over for sex. He had very little to do with our kids.

When I finally felt ready to move on we were becoming friends. It had been 3 years and while it still hurt I was accepting it was over. But things were going so well between us that we decided to try again. We were together for for almost a year. The past 7 months have been the worst. I've never been so miserable. I moved in with him and we were constantly fighting. If I brought anything up from the past he'd tell me I was causing drama. That there was something wrong in my head because I couldn't let things go. I felt like I was just a roommate. There was no affection and I pretty much had to beg him to sleep with me. Eventually I stopped asking because he'd look at me like I was so stupid for asking something like that. I couldn't look in the mirror anymore without wanting to smash it because I felt disgusting. I felt I must be hideous for him to not want to be physical with me. I tried to talk to him about but he would literally tune me out and just pretend I wasn't there. He stopped wanting to be in the same room with me. At night he'd stay in the kitchen all night and he got had two days off so I never got to sleep next to him anymore. I told him how much this hurt me but he just told me I was crazy. Literally crazy, that I have something wrong with my head. That I exaggerate on everything. That I need to change if I want to make it work. He'd get mad that I got mad about the amount of porn he looked at. I wouldn't have gotten mad if he had still been sleeping with me. He'd ask also download pics of that were just normal pics. And he had pics saved of girls he had been with when we were separated. He had no pics of me. Even when I sent him naughty pics he just deleted them. I felt like I just wasn't good enough. And I told him this all the time but he wouldn't even acknowledge how I felt. Or he'd tell me it was my fault. He had no influence if I felt like a disgusting blob, it was all on me. My insecurities weren't from him cheating on me, it was just me wired that way because there's something wrong with me.

I couldn't talk to him about anything. I'd tell him something about my day and he'd just change the subject. I got my degree in biology but he still talked down on me even if it's in my subject. He'd wake me up at 3 am just so I Could go get him a soda or make him something to eat.

I was begging him to talk to me. That our relationship was falling apart. I was at the point where I contemplated just driving my car into the river. For the first time ever I told my dad something bad about him, that I felt like he didn't want me there. I wanted things to work. I loved him. We were going on 3 months of not sleeping together. I had stopped asking. I tried to just have conversations with him but he'd just ignore my messages. Then a girl started working with him. They'd talk all night. He'd drive over to her location. Then he started deleting their messages. And when I demanded answers he said I was acting crazy. I also found an open condom wrapper in his pants. He said he accidently picked it up and got mad at me for being upset about it.

One night I found out he was going to go pick up that girl from her house. After I told him I was uncomfortable with how much time he was spending with her. But he didn't care. So I packed all my stuff. The next day I only took a handful of things. I called him and bluffed that I was going to get all my stuff later and he said he was going to move everything to storage cause he was going to rent out our kids room. He started talking about remodeling. It was like he didn't care at all that I left. And when I I said that he said he was just tired of my **** and he didn't care anymore. And something just snapped in me. The next day I went and got all my stuff.

The past month has been great. I'm happy. I feel free. I want to do new things. For 9 years I feel like I had to like the things he liked,do the things he wanted,and all that. Now I can just do my thing. But now he wants to try and make things work. He's saying how much he wants me and needs me. He says I'm just walking out. That I'm giving up. But I did try. I tried for 9 years. I tried for the past 7 months even though I was miserable. I start thinking maybe it is my fault. Maybe if I had let go of the past. Maybe if I hadn't nagged him so much. Maybe if I had tried harder. Or maybe I am just crazy. Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I told him I'm not going back and he wants to know why I'm doing this. I don't want to hurt him. But I don't want to be with him anymore. I started looking up emotionally abusive relationship and some of those things I can relate to. Not all of them. Like jealousy. He's never been jealous, I don't think he thinks anyone else would want me. He acts like he doesn't even want me.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I just needed to vent. I feel like I'm going crazy, that I'm screwing up and I have no idea what to do. I don't want my kids to get hurt either. He's still their father and he's trying to be a good father. He's always saying it's my fault. Maybe it is. If I had just let go of the past and what he had done. It was over 3 years ago that he cheated on me. But it still hurts. If I try to tell him that he gets mad at me. I don't want to go back to him but I feel like a selfish witch for not wanting to keep trying....