I wholly recognize the good things that we have and that we share in our marriage. And I don’t want to lose that. I am wholly decided to stay together, whatever it takes. There is no question about that. I am not trying to push my wife away, to give myself a pretext for looking elsewhere. When I looked honestly at what I want, me, not ‘us’, I came to the conclusion that what I most want is to grow old (older!) with the woman I have loved and still love. I have loved, honoured and cherished her and continue to do so. One regret is that I have long felt that there was something missing, lacking, a physical intimacy, and I hoped and prayed that it would go away or change, but I didn’t force the issue. When I look back at my journal, I have been frustrated for a very long time about her frigidity, her lack of warmth, her lack of desire. This is nothing new. So my ‘needs’ have long been real, if partly imagined as well. On the principle that if something is lacking, that’s all that you see and feel. What is new is my understanding of why, and of how hard this must have been for her.

But while accepting my wife as a lesbian, I had not fully understood that for her this clearly means no more effort to satisfy me. I wrongly believed that there might be some possible compromise. She says that she is at peace, and I take her word for it. She’s not living in frustration. So this is about me, about my needs and my wants. There’s an element, perhaps, of ‘convenient excuse’ in her 'coming out'. No-one can reasonably hope or expect a lesbian to feel desire for a man, even a husband of 34 years. I puzzle over the difficult distinction between ‘effort’ and ‘violence to self’. This applies to both of us. And how do I discern what are my wants and what are my needs?

A friend tries to encourage me with talk about ‘the better that lies beyond’. But I have been patient for years and years on this issue, and it’s only got worse, objectively worse. Our lives are less full (other than the move) and we have more time, including more time together. Rare sex is now no sex at all. And yes, there are other things in life, and in relationships. But this is an important, normal part of most marriages. But not in mine. My desire is part of who I am and what I am.