Trigger content: self harm and suicidal ideation
Separating this post from above as I didn't want to mix the two up... the above post was a work in motion that started earlier today... but I've had to take breaks which I hope will become clear below.

As I type this, I am calm... had a sleep before dinner and it refreshed my brain somewhat... just feeling a bit numb but all in all on a evener keel.

This morning was hell... crisis team guy called (woke me up) to say he'd be round in 5 minutes to which I instantly panicked and said I was still in bed... so he changed it to 45mins to an hour... I got myself up and ready but I was unsettled and feeling jittery... while I waited and I have no idea why I did so (probably because I wasn't fully awake), I went to default to get focus and did some si on my upper arm... didn't really do much for me other than distraction... which technically I should have used a healthier way like making a coffee I wrote down how I was feeling and what was going round in my head and waited for him to show up.

When he turned up, seemed pleasant enough but my anxiety started to rise... was talking to me about the future (work and once the crisis team has discharged me) and as I'm currently trying to just take each day at a time for my own stability.... I couldn't handle it... he saw my anxiety was rising and said that he'd end the visit for now and would make sure I was seen Friday.

Well, it threw my day out (not saying this was his fault... just timing, circumstances and where I was at at the time all contributed to a bit of a melt down) and I started to spiral as the day progressed.

Leading to a lot of self hate and then some serious cutting as suicidal thoughts were becoming very strong in my head. Came down stairs to get my phone... though I was unclear if I was going to call anyone and my wife walked in on me and saw the cuts. Well, I freaked out and went upstairs saying I didn't want to talk to anyone.

She actually called the crisis team and then brought the phone up to me... I burst into tears on the phone as the woman on the other end asked how I was feeling (told her about the morning and panicking about my discharge tomorrow) and then went through breathing techniques with me to calm me down. Told me to tell the psychiatrist about times like this to which I cried more and said that I couldn't... that I just seem incapable of expressing how bad it gets when in appointments I may feel fine (and by tomorrow, it may well be an up day, yesterday was... confuses the crap out of me )

She spoke to my wife and said that she'd be handing over notes by phone to the hospital but that it would be helpful if my wife spoke to the psychiatrist tomorrow if I'm finding it hard.

When the call ended, my wife just hugged me till I fell asleep... and as mentioned at the beginning, I woke feeling numb but better.