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Originally Posted by bluedonna92
Once when we were arguing, she described me as being like a jealous boyfriend. I didn't quite know what she meant, except maybe that I was being clingy?
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For me, that would be a major RED FLAG. When I began therapy, long ago, I soon noticed that I had NO friends and, definitely no "best" friend(s). I studied up on what a best friend is and realized that I had never known how to be or even get a best friend! I began acquiring the characteristics of a "best" friend or just an ordinary "friend" to offset the terrible character defects that I acquired in my dysfunctional family. I never knew how to be a "friend" and was both bad to people I loved or allowed the to be BAD to me - a spineless doormat. Now, if anyone described me as being like a jealous boyfriend or got into an argument with me, I would INSTANTLY stike them from my friend or best friend list. My self respect and self esteem would NOT allow anyone, least of all a best friend to mistreat me like your "friend" mistreated you. But there was a time when I was desperate, CLINGY and very insecure that almost everyone abused me like your so-called friend did to you.
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During that time, and actually the whole time I've known her, she has always been terrible about plans, returning phone calls, returning texts. Twice during this time she has purposefully screened my calls for weeks, to the point where I would either just blame myself (depression/self esteem issues) or think that she was so busy she just didn't have time. THat was usually the excuse.
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Yes, just more RED FLAGS. She NEVER WAS your best friend or even a friend but simply used your "depression/self esteem issues" to her own advantage.
Users are very attracted to people with low/weak self worth!
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We were close for a long time, and knew everything about one another, or so I thought, but now she's made me feel like a crazy stalker.
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And that's how USERS are - they
USE everyone!
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I think she is a good person in many ways. I just also think that I have a tendency to attract manipulative people, and she may be one of them.
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You have that right, IMO! In many ways, USERS (and Abusers) and their Victims
automatically attract each other which all begins in early childhood when most of us are trained and programmed (by our parents) to be one or the other
OR BOTH!
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It might be that our relationship has always been so ruled by her whims that she thinks it's natural and nothing wrong.
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Generally USER/ABUSERS (like your friend) never need to question their own behavior because they "have it made" and they don't
get hurt while the Victims that they hurt (like you) often go into therapy to work through their issues and that is why
mean people are never in therapy whereas their victims usually are.
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I just don't know how far to back off.
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I'd
DROP such a USER in a
heartbeat!
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Where should I draw the line?
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I'd draw the line right at the point my so-called best friend begins to HURT me! Friends DON'T carelessly hurt each other like is and has been happening to you.
Google: Boundaries in Relationships and learn all about it. My basic boundary is: Insult, diss or ignorantly hurt me
AND I'M GONE!
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And how do I get over this long relationship that has been so core to my growing up?
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I recommend that you google: Codependency and begin learning what it is and how to GET OVER it.
In my case, I studied a lot of Self Esteem info to finally develop some coping skills to handle USERS and it's amazing now to realize that I never needed these so-called best friends
IF ONLY I'd been given better self respect and self esteem by my very dysfunctional parents when I was young. I was programmed early on by my parents to be a frightened, low self worth, doormat to them and my older so, when I went out into the world, I was carrying a huge sign on my back that read:
KICK ME - I'M A SPINELESS DOORMAT! So then Users/Abusers came at me from all sides! But now that I have a
back bone, USERS don't find me so attractive anymore!
I wish you luck in getting those USERS out of your life and finding the power to live better from now on,
jim
