Thank you all for all of your support. I appreciate it more than you know. I'm still alive clearly and plan to stay that way but it is a constant struggle right now. Anyway, I saw my tdoc today. That went very well. I told her I almost texted her a sui message last week (the one I posted about). She told me I should be in the hospital also and I whined that I thought it was useless and she told me only part of me believed that...well, huh. I'm not sure what to make of that but the subject was dropped (I know I can call her if I feel I'll do it). She asked me what thoughts I could tell myself to replace the negative ones (I told her lots of negative thoughts) I told her some positives but added that I did not believe these positive thoughts so it is a wasteful exercise. I told her that I was considering walking away from my faith (my passion and life). She asked me why and, knowing it's importance to me, she asked me what in my life needed to change in order for me to believe again that God had a purpose in creating me. I told her that if I were stable I could live out my purpose. I told her that would never happen again and she said it happened a few months ago . So my homework is to define what stability looks like to me. She told me the next time I am stable and I tell her I am coming off of all of my meds because I am not manic depressive, she will show me this as a reminder. (but really I love her). She said I will be a lot more straightforward and less grandiose about this assignment since I am depressed. Then we parted, her knowing I will see my pdoc on Tues, which is a good thing (except that she will probably put me back on saphris). Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well.