If there is someone who deserves to be hurt, it's HIM. (Now, don't take that too seriously ... but I can't believe that you care about this guys feelings!)

LEAVE that guy in the dirt. NEVER go back. That is NOT what a relationship should be like. I know he has been your first and only, and maybe you have not seen other successful relationships around you, because you should not be returning to this guy at all. Most of your post was very, very painful to read. I just wanna grab you and yell at you: You need to own your life and you need to cut him out of it!