Yes, Amalthea, it's abuse, and I'm not a legal expert, but I think what your ex-boyfriend did would be considered a sexual battery. No one has a right to do anything sexually to you, or make you do it to them, period. If you don't wish to, you have the right to refuse. If that refusal is ignored, then a crime is committed. I don't know how the law would see the acts where you didn't say no, but I'm sure a psychologist would have some good arguments in your favor. It's certainly abuse to me, because he knew that you didn't want to in the first place.

Thanks, Muse, for your agreement. I do think sex is a big deal. For most of us, sex is emotional. But even ignoring that--I do believe there are women who can have sex without making an emotional or harmful connection, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it's not true of the majority of women--sex is a big deal on the physical aspects alone. You want to learn all you can about protecting yourself from pregnancy, STDs, etc., plus how to make the first time more pleasant (for instance, if the guy is gentle and takes the time to help you get aroused, that lubrication will help you accept his penis, and there is likely to be less pain, if any), and find what turns you on. Always remember--your pleasure is as important as his.

Again, you don't have to have sex, just because you learn about it. Some people believe that, if you expose yourself to sex, through erotica, sexy photos, sexual knowledge and health, that you're going to do it. Not so. Like I said, I waited until the day before my 23rd birthday, but I had learned much long before that.

And a guy won't die without sex. A guy who truly cares for you won't dump you because you say no. Your self-respect is more important than a guy who pressures you to do something you don't want to do.

I suggest learning to masturbate, to learn what pleases you. Once you know what touches and moves please you, you can teach a guy to do that to you. Guys don't automatically know, any more than a girl does. Sometimes, we find partners who just happen to do the "right stuff," but if they don't, we can teach them. Again, learning about sex can help you in developing the skills to pleasure yourself (if it doesn't seem to come naturally), and help him learn.