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Originally Posted by bluedonna92
Thank you for the responses.
I just wonder if our friendship was ever what i thought it was. I was always the one seeking her companionship, not vice versa, though I thought she wanted to spend time with me.
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That is the whole basis of a Codependent relationship: The weak codependent (you) is always the one seeking this and that while the strong codependent (your friend) just USES the weaker one while APPEARING to be a friend!
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I guess it's irrelevant now. The one thing I'm having trouble with now is boundaries.
I can respect her need to move away from me, but sometimes it feels like she doesn't respect what that requires. For instance, only last year when I visited her after a long hiatus, and was looking forward to hanging out no strings attached, she pressured me to pose for some artistic photographs, in a way that made me uncomfortable. I did it because she made me doubt my own maturity (come on...it'll be nothing) but I still did not like the way I looked in the photos, and when she put them online for her resume/website, I had to fight her to get them down.
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A basic Boundary in any relationship is that we All have the RIGHT to say no to anything we don't like or want but Codependents do not respect each others RIGHTS at all! Your friend was able to "pressure" you because YOU did not have the integrity to stand up for your own RIGHTS thanks to some kind of early childhood training that FAILED to teach you what your natural RIGHTS are!
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She seems to figure that because we are "friends" she can ask me to do whatever she wants and I'll do it.
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She, like you, was trained and programed early on to be like that - most likely by her parents! She has the User programming while you have the doormat programming which is what Codependency is all about. You are BOTH codependent! She needs/needed you as much as you need/needed her.
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Her reaction crossed a line. She was furious. She said I could not refuse once I had accepted, and that she would be embarrassed to tell the guy that I couldn't come.... We had such a huge argument
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That is typical Codependent behavior where the controlling Codependent will not tolerate any changes in their: plans, intentions, desires, ideas, etc. and will seriously PUNISH anyone who dares challenge them - especially the other Codependent (you).
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Honestly, I don't think she believes she was wrong. She finally apologized to me, but I think she still thinks this behavior was ok.
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They NEVER believe they are "wrong" nor sincerely apologize because they have been programmed that way! Hitler was like that! They are taught from an early age to be in control, use weaker others and NEVER accept any responsibility for what they do. They are taught that everybody else makes mistake - NOT THEM!
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We have a history of her guilt-tripping me into doing things,
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That is the sad thing about Codependency that the two Codependents go together like a hand in a glove and were trained early on to be attracted to each other in a sad and sick way while looking like happy friends. In many cases, the User becomes the Victim and then the Victim uses the User. In Codependent theory, these two characters have a variety of names/labels such as Counter-Dependent (her) and Codependent (you) but it's always a drama of some unhealthy person USING another unhealthy person. Healthy people would never put up with that drama!
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Since then we haven't seen much of each other though, and maybe she's grown out of it, or realized I won't accept that kind of behavior...
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Usually, Codependents do NOT grow out of the sick parental conditioning that was programmed into them early on. It takes a lot of therapy and work to overcome the significant damages from early childhood that have produced the behaviors of all Codependents = Users and their Victims.
You may never see your User friend again but she was never the problem! Your early training to be the victim of such a User is the problem and, unless you figure out how to break the spell of Codependency in your self, you will most likely attract another User, marry one or bounce from one Codependent relationship to another BECAUSE you can't help it - so long as Codependent programming still dictates your choices and needs in life. It will be AUTOMATIC for you to be drawn to and WANT someone like your friend to
pressure you and mentally or even physically
push you around in life because this is familiar to you and you will unconsciously seek such domination and abuse.
The only way out of Codependency that I currently know of is to get into some kind of therapy or Recovery program and get started BREAKING OUT of the childhood training and programming that others dumped inside of you when you had no defense against what they did to you as a dependent, innocent and easily programmed child. I attended many Codependents Anonymous support groups where I learned to recognize my damages and HOW to fix myself - mostly with improved self esteem work.
I have probably written to much here but your whole story takes me right back to my own issues with and struggles to overcome Codependency and the childhood damages that were done by my Codependent parents.
Good luck over coming Codependency,
Jim
