hey there. i don't think it is weird to be 23 and still a virgin. there are still a great number of people who wait until marriage and there are also a number of people who choose not to have sex (sometimes ever) for all kinds of reasons.

i'm really sorry about what happened with your boyfriend. you didn't feel comfortable with what he wanted you to do and while he might have said he loved you his actions weren't very loving :-( knowing that someone doesn't feel right doing something... and getting them to do it anyway... while knowing that they are unhappy about it... that doesn't sound very loving to me :-( i'm sorry you went through that.

i think... that sometimes people have difficulty with sex because of something along the lines of the 'clinton definition of sex'. sorry to be graphic here but many people have a view of sex where sex involves a man putting his penis into a womens vagina and thrusts until he comes. part of it is about your finding out what it is that you like to do without their being any pressure for you to do anything that you don't like to do. masterbating, yeah. then being able to show your partner what to do to please you. figuring out things that you can do that you like to do and that your partner likes too. given your experiences with your other boyfriend i guess it would be fairly understandable if you had a bit of an aversion to that...

> I just plain feel terrified, like I'm going to be punished, hurt. There's a lot of reasons why- religious upbringing, fear of pregnancy, fear that if my parents ever found out they'd never speak to me again and somehow I've connected sex with abuse... We do other things, but I just can't go all the way.

Maybe... You guys could gradually expand without doing the Clinton thing???

With respect to your fears... Are you in therapy at all? It could help to be able to talk about your fears. To be able to talk through some of them.

> My friends all tell me I'm being ridiculous.

I don't think that is fair. It really is a very personal thing and I think it is more important to take things slowly and feel comfortable about the way things are going rather than just gritting your teeth and bearing it. It isn't supposed to be like that :-(

I'd also suggest... Couples therapy? Maybe that would help (don't know if it could be an option).

The following is an article (fairly brief) on 'sensate focusing'. It is one strategy that is used in couples therapy. The notion is to figure out how to enjoy each others bodies WITHOUT orgasm... Then after some time orgasm is introduced... And basically the Clinton thing doesn't happen for quite some time... Sounds to me like you need to go slow and do what is right for you. It might be that you just want to do the sensate thing at this stage... Or it might be that the orgasm thing is okay too... But I think it is really important for you to not do more than you feel comfortable with. If you force yourself then you are likely to make the problem worse and end up dissociating during sex or seriously developing an aversion or something (which is treated in a similar way though it takes much longer).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensate_focusing