ErinBear, sorry you are having such a rough time. I was interested when you were talking about how things haven't been helping, wondered what you'd like? What would you like to happen when you call a help line or go to the hospital or whatever?

I think you have some expectations/desires but are not sharing them with yourself/others trying to help? No one else can reach into your life and change/fix it. All they can do is try to be there with you. Were I you, I would think of all the comforting and helpful things I know of that help myself (I used books a whole lot) and I would start journaling too. Maybe if you find a good workbook/journal to add a little structure, that would help.

Sometimes when things were toughest for me, I would "throw a hand grenade into my own foxhole" and start over. A lot of times things would get to an unsustainable pitch and just wouldn't work and I'd have to take it down quite a few notches, just realize it was my head gone haywire and declare it "invalid." Pretending and radically shifting perspective that way helped me a lot. Just do something "else." Once I distracted myself from serious suicidal thoughts by making an appointment with the dentist!

I'm reminded of how, when one is learning to drive, it's easy to look to close to the front of the car and that makes one feel like the car is going too fast and is going to go out of control. However, if you look a bit farther ahead, look at a turn or where you want the car to go, your body will automatically steer the car where your eyes are focusing. I would practice refocusing, get some other things to think about whenever the going gets really rough. Do something like substitute "grocery store" for "hospital". Figure out a really nutritious or delicious meal you want "next" and how to go find/get it. Some days it can just be one distraction after the next but eventually the mood/problem will lift or it will be time for bed/sleeping or crying or screaming (do you have good places to scream? I am sorry you don't have a car, that can be nice, screaming while you drive :-)

Have you talked about how much you miss your old therapist with this new one? Mr. New might be interested to know what helped you about the old T. My T didn't like contact between visits either but let me write snail mail to her office (but never wrote back or discussed what I wrote, etc.). But the very very few times I called her she'd listen a bit then say we'd discuss it next session :-)