Just got home after being officially discharged. Was at the hospital for 4 hours though I was technically discharged just before 3pm (it's almost 6:30 now) I had to wait around for my take home medication (two weeks worth and then to get from gp).

Was stressed out this morning and wrote down a lot of my concerns for the psychiatrist to read. Can't say it was an easy conversation but he listened to my worries and anxiety with compassion; explained that this transition period was going to be hard and was to be expected (that there would be a dip) but that with time it will get easier... that with regards to my fear of self control (lack of) when I spiral bad is going to be an obstacle that no medication can address and is going to have to come from within... to which he added was easy for him to say but was going to be a hard part of the recovery process... and that support is there for me, so to use it as best I can (I addressed that I become very reclusive and non communicative when it comes to self harm or worse)... as with control, to take it in steps... i.e. instead of 3 cuts, I'm going to make 2... and try to take these forms of control as an achievement.

Found out I'm to be assessed by a community psychiatric nurse on the 29th and then allocated one from there.

Spoke about a few other practicalities and then that was that, signed my discharge along with my wife who has taken the role as primary carer.

Went for some food with the wife and then returned to the ward to wait (a long time) for my meds. My wife had made a cake for the staff (mostly at the salivating request of one of the support workers who loves lemon drizzle) and that went down well... then we just had lots of chats with staff as we waited. Was kind of nice actually as the staff who were on shift were amongst those I had enjoyed the company of and were a pleasure to speak to. All seemed very glad (for me) that I was being discharged and mentioned how much I had changed since I had first come onto the ward... a couple even quietly said they were genuinely going to miss me which was really nice and is bringing a tear to my eye as I write this. On the way out, one of those followed us out to buzz us out on the secondary security doors (normally done in the office) and gave me a hug.

I guess on reflection it really isn't the hospital that I'll miss... but some of the staff as they are such nice people and do such an amazing job considering the horrendous cuts in funding... treated me so well and were a pleasure to speak with when I was on a stable front (I still remember the late night chats when all the other patients had gone to bed)... and very companionate/firm but fair when I was struggling.

Was told in the ward round that even after discharge from the hospital and after 2 weeks from the crisis team, I can call the ward if I'm in crisis and need help... they can't admit me, but someone will be there to talk to and advise if needed. Not sure if I'd ever do this, but was a comfort to know that I won't be totally isolated in time of need.

That is the kicker right there, with the budget cuts as they are... and I'm sure it's across the board when it comes to the nhs... even people who 'meet the criteria' as my gp once said still go without support because there isn't the funds for it. The system is broken and it fills me with anger... from a personal perspective of becoming so destabilised that I became a liability to myself and those around me before something was done... and from the wider perspective of how many people out there are fighting to cope with substandard or no care.

I just want to give you a to this... as that was me for years I am very sure our circumstances on many levels are very different so not for one second saying that we are the same or that what led to my collapse is forthcoming (I'm sure you know what I mean)... just that I know that for a long time I was very much like what you described.

It just seemed like the right thing to do... I struggle so hard to actually talk out loud to people about anything... but give me a keyboard and I can type... and I will type as it is. I do find it difficult to go back to previous posts or topics that I've made though as often due to the way my mood and stability fluctuates... it seems alien to me that I wrote what I wrote... but if it's useful and insightful for others then I hope it serves some good