I'm so very sorry for your loss, my dear Are you seeing a therapist currently ? If not, I'd highly recommend speaking to one ASAP. You always have us here on this forum, but nothing can take the place of a trained professional in the flesh. At the very least, they're excellent listeners ... even if they don't have solutions to our problems.

It is so unfortunate that we often can't find help even if it is right in front of us, and that the healthcare system itself can put undue stress on us and abandon us.

Please get professional help (if not already), and don't hesitate to PM me with any thoughts that come to your mind. I'm here for you.