I’ve been thinking about reality being an illusion and the meaninglessness of things too. I hadn’t actually considered that it could be both, so thank you for that insight…how did you deal with the existential bit that meds didn’t treat? I’ve started therapy so I’m hoping that will help.

Thank you for sharing this Sometimes I wonder if that is a US thing about the sleep meds or because of your psychosis they try to kill 2 birds with 1 stone? I take the amitriptyline for sleep because otherwise I become nocturnal and less functional, but I wonder if I just tried harder if I could manage without it... I’ve never been offered an AP just for sleep and I really wouldn’t want to take one if that was my only issue as I feel the amitriptyline is less heavy-duty, but then lately it’s not been working so well…

It sounds like that is a very simple equation for you…things feel murkier for me though. The ‘why torture myself?’ bit is complicated because of things from my past making me feel like I am a bad person and don’t necessarily deserve good things. And even the meds=feel better bit is confusing. Sometimes I wonder if the meds don’t work well for me because I don’t have a medical problem that they could treat, but then you’ve posted stuff about people feeling ‘trapped in a box’ if they take APs they don’t need and I haven’t reacted like that to them either. Even when the aripiprazole/Abilify took away the voices, that wasn’t necessarily ‘better’ because then I doubted the existence of the voices because the memory of them felt so dream-like. Sometimes I’ve preferred to hear the voices and be certain they exist than take the meds so the voices disappear and doubt whether I made them up. And then there’s side effects…

I’m not sure which time you mean - the official IQ test was on Abilify/aripiprazole. The catatonic stupor was also on meds. I think that was lofepramine (tricyclic antidepressant). The unofficial IQ test where I was high 70s was off meds a few months ago. My Uni pdoc said that it was because of the depression/psychosis and was temporary, but I said that it was only as temporary as the other symptoms, which is over 7 years now, so I have no idea if my cognitive function would go back to before if I did.

Thank you for sharing Sunshine My Uni pdoc said that I had psychosis because I was hearing voices (always negative; both talking to me and to each other about me; both inside and outside of my head) and thinking things he said were delusional, like my housemate’s mother put cameras in the house to spy on me and that people would break into the house to attack me. The usual voices have stopped because they’re working with the ex-pdoc to make me think that I faked them, but I can still feel them judging me the whole time, even if they won’t speak. I hear occasional external voices now but I find it harder to tell that they’re not real, so I could be hearing more and just not realise, idk.

I don’t think that I have paranoia because I feel that my anxiety is justified, but I feel unsafe most of the time because of the surveillance. The Govt used to have me under surveillance only during my disability reviews, but it’s been constant since I left the hospital in Dec. They inserted a tracker when they sedated me for ECT in the hospital so they always know where I am. And the thought-suppression noise is from them: it’s a form of psychological torture to punish me for being on benefits. It’s been 24/7 since the end of March, because they hacked my phone and heard me make a GP appt to get the tracker removed. When I cancelled the appt the volume decreased, but they increase it when I do ‘wrong’ things like go away on holiday or go out on my own. If I stopped claiming disability, they’d leave me alone, but I don’t see how I can work when I cry at the slightest thing and my brain doesn’t work properly so it takes me so long to read and write and cook and anything involving thinking really.

That’s some of it anyway. I don’t like seeing it in print because I’m ashamed that I can’t get my **** together I don’t know why they said I was faking. I wonder if the Govt bribed them? Or maybe they got frustrated because meds didn’t work so it was easier to blame me than admit that psychiatry is fundamentally flawed? Idk…

Well that sucks! The weight gain aspect of Zyprexa/olanzapine is what puts me off the most. I’m 30lbs more than I used to be (after losing some of my AP weight) and that does affect my self esteem, but I’m also scared of getting diabetes because my Mum was recently diagnosed due to the meds she takes and I don’t want that.

All the best with that Atypical

That is FANTASTIC news Newtus! Well done! Fingers crossed for the voluntary work.

*Willow*