I've never posted on anything like this before. But I am struggling to find someone who understands what I'm going through.

I'm 22 now and I struggled with major depressive disorder until I was 21 years old. After years of futile attempts at treatment I had given up.
However, my blessing in disguise came in the form of an extremely abusive boyfriend. The relationship was short (only a month) but ended with police intervention after he attempted to shoot me.
The experience pushed my depression to a new low and prompted my family to put out large amounts of money to finally get me the help I needed.

Two months later the medication kicked in and I was overwhelmed by how much better I felt. But now that the dust has settled (it's been about 6 months) I am overcome by anxiety from my past...

I've been hospitalized multiple times through my teens for suicidal thoughts/attempts.
Despite a genius iq and perfect sat score I failed my way through school. I dropped out of college.
I was a terrible employee at all of my jobs.
I let every one of my boyfriends abuse me because I believed I deserved it.

I'm no longer suicidal... and honestly I don't feel sad either. But I have no confidence. Everything I have ever tried I have failed at due to my depression while everyone around me called me lazy. I finally have the energy to chase my dreams now but I'm terrified of messing up again.

Don't get me wrong, I feel so blessed to no longer fear suicide. Now I just fear the world that kicked me while I was down, and I trust no one. Does anyone else feel this way???