I am not alone by choice the majority of the time, yet I find myself completely alone with my thoughts, all day, every day. And they aren't particularly encouraging.

I am 27 years old.... and I have little family... no friends at all... and no one to talk to. I live with my parents, but no one talks to me unless its to say "hey I'm home." When I try to open those doorways, I either get met with silence or resistance.

My theory is that I am coming off over 4 years of isolation.... I have holed myself up in my room every day for four years playing online games with online people who I thought were my friends. In the long run they have caused more harm than good in my life... and I've finally freed myself from thinking I need those hurtful people. But it has been months since I've opened my door back up... it has been months since I stopped visiting that game, or making online friends. I am basically sitting alone in my room now, watching tv or reading comic books. I am always reaching out to my family now to have conversation... it feels strained on their end like they don't have much to say, unless they are talking to each other. Outside of my walls I hear laughter, avid conversation... and when I'm around it seems like I'm just in the way. My sibling doesn't even talk to me anymore unless I force my presence upon them... or I'm at work. It's easier to talk to me when I'm not around I guess? But I feel like even then I'm talking to a wall because they have their laptop out and look like they are dead inside. It's hard hearing all this conversation and laughter and feel like it stops when I enter the room.... I have been pleading for them to talk to me for months and they make small talk when I come around, and call it a day. I hate seeing everyone else so happy with each other and feeling like I don't belong....


Then as far as friends.... I don't have any. I go to work. I come home. I sleep. The people at work are very closed minded people.... they fear mental illness, and homosexuality. Lucky me, I'm transgender and bipolar. They don't know this, and I am afraid to tell them because of all the hate that comes out their mouth.

I used to try to make friends with them... and wonder why I was never invited places. It makes high school look like a picnic, working there.... But none of them have ever given me so much as their number. I am nice at work, if I'm feeling ok. I make people laugh. I don't smell.... I'm chubby like a few of them.. I just don't get it... I finally tried to begin getting over it a few months ago. I've worked there a few years, and yes it took me this long to stop being as hurt as I was. They are ok to spend the day with I guess, but I'm realizing now that I shouldn't be friends with people because I am lonely, especially if it's clear I'm not wanted....

So now where do I make friends? I have tried several things.... meetup.com has book clubs, game clubs....People with like-minded interests. Tried it. Each group I've joined, they go, have fun, and go home..... Not really friend type I guess? And even then, it seems like people are avoiding me.... What am I doing wrong? I've tried taking classes.... everyone makes friends with everyone but me....I've even tried falling back on extended family. They don't even answer my texts anymore, let alone entertain the idea of being around me.

I know I have really low days.. I have been stuck in a deep depression for around a year now, and it's really hard for me to interact on those bad days. I can barely function. But at least over half of the time I feel I am pleasant... When I made friends online they loved being around me, and it was the MOST I have ever felt like myself, with slim inhibitions.

I don't know what I am doing wrong and I am starting to feel like maybe there's just something wrong with me... that makes people stay away. It's the loneliest feeling in the world knowing no matter what you do, no one is your friend and you only have your T to talk to....

Thanks to anyone who read this, it was longer than I meant for it to be....