I've spent a lot of time gaming as well. People seemed to flock to me like lost puppies, but few of them seemed to be real friends. It's been over... well ****, I guess I never really had friends, just some people who were tolerant and willing to include me sometimes.

I never quite had the stability to interact with others in meaningful ways long enough to develop friendships let alone relationships. The last eight(?) years have been spent basically alone. My family talks to me, but I've literally spent years without having a real conversation with anyone but my siblings and people online.

I've been too unstable to hold a job; to entertain I really could. The only reason I didn't commit suicide in my early twenties was because I was aware that physiological changes which occur in the mid-twenties have frequently led to improved stability for people who had childhood onset bipolar. I told myself, if there's an improvement I'll try to figure out a way to make things work, if not there would be no point in continuing to exist.

Now I find myself in a place no one seems to know how to climb out of. I can be functional when I have goals to work towards, there's just no way for me to achieve any of the ones which would enable independance, stability, the things required to insure I would remain functional enough to do anything. When my goals were no longer something I could entertain as possible to achieve, even remotely, my mind collapsed.

My cycle stays mostly on some sort of depression, but I rapid cycle into hypomania that I've learned to focus and be productive with - I cope by planning tasks I can do while hypo, lol, how sad is that. However, even that no longer serves any defined purpose now. Yet, I continue trying and failing to find some way out of this pit I live in. Just getting so exhausted from this now. Just thinking about it...bleh

I'm just so lost as to how I can find something worth doing which I can do. Would be nice if there were friends to spend time with, but I have trouble holding a conversation a lot of the time right now...a lot of cognitive deficits interfering with everything I try to do. Glhf trying to explain that without people thinking I'm retarded.