I'm not saying my T doesn't care, but I always want her to love me or to give me extended support outside professional guidelines. Lately I've been struggling with reliving childhood sexual abuse and PTSD from rape that occurred almost a year ago. I've never told anyone about either, due to the fact that I was emotionally abused by my father since I was 10 and I dealt with a mother who was distant and shamed emotion. So basically, my T is my only support system now, and ever. Whenever I'm having a hard day, I wish I could talk to her about it right then and there. I wish she could comfort me because I feel like she's the only person in this world that understands me, but I only see her an hour a week, sometimes less, because my parents dislike that I'm in therapy.

I'm 17 I should mention, and she's older, probably in her 40's since she's got kids. When I'm arguing with my dad and I have no one to talk to I wish that she was my mom because I know she'd support me, and offer me advice. But I also realize that when I leave her office, she returns to her life, her family, and her own kids, and that she doesn't think about me as much as I think about her. And it makes me really sad. I don't know if it's transference, because I feel the same way about almost every middle aged woman I see or meet. I want them to be my mother and to love and support me. But I know that realistically they never will, and then I can never have a new mom. It makes me feel so incredibly alone and depressed, because they have their own lives and don't care about me. How am I supposed to find a mother? It's impossible.

I know I should discuss these feelings with my T but I don't want to make her feel bad or creeped out, because I know that it's an issue I have and not one she should feel sorry for me about. I understand our relationship is professional, and she hasn't done anything to make me feel that it's anything more than that, which I'm sure is good. But she's the only person I trust and the only person who truly offers me any kind of support. And that scares me, because one day I'm going to have to end our sessions, and I don't know what I'll do when that day comes.....I love her, not as a mother (I wish), but as someone who understands me fully and will be there for me even if I'm paying her and even though it's only once a week. And I don't know how to make that feeling go away. How can I get over the fact that I won't actually ever have an understanding mother/mother figure?