I had it in the way-back days, before there was even a term for it and nobody dared even mention it. I'd had postpartum depression with my first 4 kids, but with the last one I had horrible, intrusive fantasies about leaving my son in harm's way or killing us both by stepping in front of a train. The fantasies varied, but all of them were extremely violent and resulted in a grisly death for one or both of us. Many times I thought of just going out and committing suicide because the guilt was AWFUL!!

I thought I was a terrible person for thinking these things, and I was too afraid to say anything to anyone because I thought it would get my kids taken away. I loved my baby dearly and had gone through quite a bit with him---crash C-section, then I almost lost him at five months when he developed breathing problems that nearly caused his respiratory system to collapse. Perhaps this had something to do with it; I've since learned that complicated births and difficulties in the early months are highly contributory to postpartum psychosis.

But back then, I didn't know I was sick; nobody was even talking about PPD, let alone psychosis in those days. And I carried the guilt alone for many years---I didn't even tell my husband until about 10 years ago. That was about the time I was working the mother/baby floor in the hospital and teaching new moms about PPD, what to watch for and when to report it to their doctors. So I figured it was a good time to be honest about what I'd been through.

My understanding of postpartum depression/psychosis is that it tends to get worse with each birth, and I was always thankful I never had another child because God only knows what I might have done. Even talking about it now, I still feel a little guilty even though I know better. But at least I can discuss it and I don't ever pass judgment on other women with this issue.