I, too, am able to be pretty functional when I am around other people but be a total mess sometimes at my apartment where I live alone. I don't think anyone could live with me, the way I have been the past year or so. It would be miserable for a pet, if I had one, but I don't.

Last December-February were horrible, though people outside of my apartment really didn't know. I went to a therapist and she didn't seem to believe me that things were really going bad for me because I seemed so calm and "OK." But then I didn't tell her my thoughts that I wished I wasn't alive, either--I didn't want to deal with the consequences of telling her.

I met my closest friend a year ago and though I have been very open with her and told her things have been bad for me, I tell her while I am calm and seem to have things together, so I don't think she realizes how bad of a mess I have really been and that I am making it up. Several times I have been manic with her, speaking rapidly, nonstop, and out of control. She just thinks I am passionate and that this is normal for me.

On one hand, I am glad that people don't know how much anguish I have been at times in the past year. On the other hand, the suffering in isolation can get to be overwhelming.

I have started meds and they are helping! And I am grateful for the Bipolar Forum, so I don't feel so unique!