um, the bullying happened during several years starting early in my life. so I think I learned that other people despise me because I am disgusting. I got rid of that idea when I got older. now I am experiencing a situation that reminds me of that. I lost all my confidence because I have no real job and my skills aren't valuable to society. I learn again that nobody wants me. friends don't want to meet me any more. and it's been 8 years since I last was with a boyfriend. so everything tells me again other people despise me. and when my mother says I am not pretty I am all the way back in school when I learned I am not worthy to live because I am not pretty.
those ideas just come back after all this time because the circumstances are reminding me of them. and they are getting stronger the more I find from outside to confirm them. that's why I said I need something lucky to happen to me to drag me out of that swamp. I don't have the strength to do that all by myself.
and the idea we have about ourselves is not coming just from our good soul or whatever. we learn it from other people. that's how we learn who we are. I don't think it is possible at all to be independent from that. so I desperately need some confirmation from other people. I know how that is pathetic.
but right now I am trapped in a vicious circle. the more miserable I am the less people want me.
thanks for saying so kind things!





reading this is keeping me from falling apart.