Please listen to Ozzie and Jessica. With the strain your marriage is in and you having BPD it is no wonder that you are feeling so lost. My worst moments with BPD is when I am not feeling loved in my marriage. When I thought he was going to leave me I started hearing voices. It was a scary thing for me. Your writing sounds so at the edge, I hope you will seriously consider going to the hospital for a complete evaluation and med adjustment. There is a lot of toughts and feelings that are going through me right now as I remember how I felt before. Too many for me to write down so that they will make sense. Things do get better though. It is hard when all you can see is the darkness and all you want is to feel better but you can't see how you can ever feel better again. But there is light out there and there are good days too come. Please seek the help you need to see those good days.
You are in my thoughts dear one,
Carrie

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying