Nice to see you Secretum I'm glad you're feeling motivated and I really hope that grad school goes well for you. I'm sure you've said before, sorry I've forgotten, but what are you studying right now? I know that you hope to get into medical school in the future, and I hope that it works out for you. I went to medschool (in the UK you can do it as an undergraduate, which is what I did), and you really have to be on top form mentally for the pressures, both academic and emotional, and if you're struggling, the staff just write you off as unfit to do the job, rather than support you through a rough patch, but maybe that's just UK medschools, idk?

When I had a diagnosis, I found it useful as it gave me a reason as to why I was struggling academically i.e. it wasn't because I was stupid or not working hard enough...now I'm not so sure...but I relate to the confusion over what was/is happening to me and the fear that my brain was rotting. I used to 'feel' it rotting and 'see' a hole in my brain where it'd rotted, but I'm less certain about that nowadays.

Anyway I can relate to what you wrote, and I'm glad that you're in a place now to comfort & reassure 18yo you that none of it was your fault. Good luck with the taper (I took lamotrigine/Lamictal for a bit, the taper up takes ages cos of fear about SJS, but my incompetent ex-pdoc took me off 200mg after only 2 weeks because it 'wasn't working' so I can't really say if it would've worked or not for me)

I've never worked with leather itself, other than leather cord for necklaces, but looking at the pic it seems simple enough to make (and cheaper, though I have no idea what the $:£ conversion rate is, or how much leather is). You could probably buy punched out leather flowers online from craft websites (otherwise you'd need to buy bits of leather and a strong enough flower punch that would actually punch through leather - which would probably cost a lot: if you're never going to use it again, it's more economical to buy the shapes and assemble it yourself). I've used leaf and flower-shaped beads before so you could add those instead of wood leaves, if you preferred. I'd love to see a pic if you make it yourself

Thank you for your lovely message Junk, I really appreciate it Did you ever just get used to the fear though? Not that you weren't afraid, just that you'd forgotten what it was like to live without it? Idk...I guess I don't see feeling unsafe almost 24/7 as such a big deal anymore because I can't really remember what it felt like to feel completely safe before

Ok, I've been wondering about this (not just directed at Sunshine, but everyone). Sometimes when I try to click on a thread, I'll click on the OP's name instead and it'll take me to their visitor's page where messages are, but I have no idea how to see my own. I can see and edit the info bit, but there are no messages. Does that mean no one has ever left a message there or am I looking at the wrong bit? I can get PMs, but how do you go to your own visitor's message bit, and does it notify you (like with PMs) when there is a message there?

I'm really concerned about you having that many tablets. Do they not know that you take too many?! Please be responsible with them, or give them to your Dad if you can't manage them. I think it's a really bad idea for you to have access to so many when you have a history of being quite impulsive and mixing handfuls of them with alcohol. I just want you to stay safe

Hope you feel better today.

I think I remember correctly that you've been on APs before? If so, why won't your GP prescribe something that worked before while you wait? Surely that'd be preferable to an asthma exacerbation from smoking to them??

My sleep is all over the place. It's never good quality, lots of waking and taking hours to drop off and sometimes early morning wakening, but I go through periods where I sleep too little (so I'll be in bed for 10 hours, but only get 6 max on a good night) or too much (sleep fitfully for 18 hours). I've never understood why it swings from one to the other i.e. if there is a trigger, but it is associated with eating; too little sleep & eating, then too much sleep and eating, especially junk food. It's weird.

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Last night I saw T for the review and we agreed to carry on seeing each other. When I left, I felt so guilty, liked I'd tricked him somehow into keeping seeing me. When I was questioning in my head why I was feeling that way, I heard ex-pdoc's voice (in my head, so not a proper hallucination) say "because it's pointless...you're pointless" and I almost started crying

I've been thinking about it and it's related to the whole debate in my head about meds: I feel worthless and undeserving of treatment. The ex-pdoc voice thing is because, when I saw a locum in Feb (before I discharged myself), he said that I needed meds but went to speak to ex-pdoc about what to give me because he couldn't find the list on the computer and I, unusually, hadn't brought my list because I didn't think he would bother prescribing anything anyway. Then she told him that it was "pointless" to give me meds, so he didn't, but I felt like they'd decided that *I* was "pointless" and that I didn't 'deserve' any meds

So the treatment thing (meds and therapy) is complicated because I minimise everything and tell myself that it's not so bad, mostly because I've forgotten what it's like NOT to live in fear that someone's following you and photographing you and torturing you with this stupid noise (which is still really loud and I have no idea why they've increased it this time because I can't think of anything I've done that they wouldn't approve of...) and that they're biding their time until they can attack and/or arrest me and send me to jail...and I think that it's completely real so I don't see how meds would even help with that. And then there's feeling like I don't even deserve help anyway...

It's just such a mess

*Willow*