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Monday I felt nothing
Tuesday I felt severely depressed despite trying things to feel better
Weds. I was agitated and feeling out of control. I wanted to hurt myself. I didn't want to hurt myself. I wanted to hurt myself. I didn't know what to do but I knew I didn't want anymore scars. I found myself in the chat room. It took a few hours, but by being there I eventually felt better. No matter how quiet chat got, I refused to leave until I felt better. At first I didn't go into detail about what was going on with me, I just stayed and talked about "whatever". At some point I realized I no longer wanted to hurt myself. I managed to distract myself long enough for the thoughts and feelings to go away. This is the first time I felt as bad as I did and did not hurt myself. This was the first time I went into chat and stayed. The other people in chat didn't know at the time, but they helped me stay safe. I am grateful for them and plan to go back to chat when I am feeling okay. The next time I feel this bad, I will hopefully remember my success and refrain from hurting myself again. My therapist was "amazed" that I was able to do this.
Lately I have been stuck with the thoughts that I am not getting better. I now have proof that I am getting better. This may not seem like a lot to some people, but this is big stuff for me. I basically distracted myself long enough for the thoughts of self harm and suicide to go away, I am grateful for chat. The odd part is that I was not the only person in chat who was using it for the same reason. I was not alone.
I just had to write this down so I have something to look at the next time I feel this bad.
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