Well, this falls into the category of "I can't believe I did that." I can imagine many of us with bipolar have asked ourselves that question at times, and that's why I'm writing in and really needing some support.

I got triggered by something very traumatic back in March and became extremely depressed and anxious. I knew this friend (not a very close one) who I thought would understand my situation, and I basically started harassing him. I was looking for empathy and support that he really couldn't and shouldn't have provided. At first he was nice about it but after a couple months of my emails, he said he couldn't know any more about what had happened to me. It's complicated - he had good reasons and I should have respected that, but I went about a month without emailing him and then started up again when the depression got worse. He was very frustrated and firmly told me to stop. He said he wasn't angry with me but he sure sounded like it. I JUST COULDN'T STOP MYSELF. But after I got angry with HIM and told him he was heartless, I got my head on straight after a few days and apologized about everything and told him about my bipolar. He was gracious but I feel unbelievably embarrassed and ashamed of myself.

My psychopharm, who knows me very well and whom I worship because she has helped me attain some wonderful, extended period of wellness, says she doesn't think I was manic - just depressed and anxious and thought this person could help. She says the obsessing and impulsiveness is part of my disorder however. I just can't believe I did what I did. How do we do these things?! It was totally out of character for me. I've never done something like this. I don't know how I can be one person one minute, get triggered by some form of stress (granted, in this case major stress), and go off the deep end? I'll never understand it. Thoughts are so welcome right now. I'm miserable.