Greenergal, I read you message when you first posted it. I didn't reply then because I wanted to think about the situation and see what other people said. I also felt a connection here because a good friend of mine went through a very similar situation and, much to her regret, she ended up alone and she's still alone.

I have a different take on this than most of the other posters. I'm coming from the philosophy that the only person we can change is ourselves. So, for me, the real question in your post is not how can you get through to him, but how can you get through to yourself.

I realize your ex wasn't giving you what you wanted and you grew frustrated, so you broke up with him, cut him off, and hoped he'd come to his senses.

That happens quite a bit in novels and movies and just about every advice columnist would have advised you to break up with him. And if he really loved you he'd come crawling back, ready to commit because he couldn't stand to live without you. Or so it goes in romance novels.

He was this kind, thoughtful, dependable guy, the best guy you'd ever been with. You loved each other. He has depression problems, but he was getting help for that, which would take time. Perhaps you didn't know depressed people are often highly sensitive to rejection. Instead of making him come to his senses, rejection can often push a depressed person out of their senses.

I think it would be a good idea for you to get some help for yourself, too. Nothing you said makes me think you're mentally ill. Maybe a life coach or even self-help would work. It would be good to understand why you try to get what you want by rejecting the people you love. It would also be good to learn about depression. It's always good to know about a loved one's disorder so we can have proper empathy while avoiding enabling.

You might order a copy of Dr. William Glasser's 1998 book, Choice Theory, a new psychology of personal freedom. It's all about relationships. It could not only help you understand your own actions better, but it could help you understand your ex's depression and his actions better.

I don't know if you and your ex can get back together or not. But if you really love him and want him back, I can guarantee you this -- you won't get him back by rejecting him. Depressed people can be extraordinarily sensitive to rejection. The cold shoulder will drive him away or bring out feelings of fear and desperation and will likely lead to lots of unexpressed resentments that may at times burst out in temper flares. That's how depression works. Each person is different and unique, but depression does have some common features -- with despair, fear, anger and shame being tangled up in one big confusing knot. You seldom get pure depression. All those other emotions are tangled in there, too.

If you want him back, it's you who had better find something more effective than repeated rejection to get what you want. Dr. Glasser's Choice Theory can give you some ideas about how to use more neutral and positives ways to communicate. It's all right to tell him (or any loved one) what we want, as long as we don't hammer and push and shove emotionally. You can't fix or cure his depression, but you can do lots of inadvertent things on a daily basis that can make depression worse.

I'm sorry to say it looks as if you inadvertently pushed the man you love away. Not because that's what you really wanted; because you didn't know any better way to communicate your frustration. You didn't understand depression. You can change that. It might not change anything about his behavior toward you, but then, as I said before, the only person you can change is yourself.

You sound intelligent, like someone who would find Dr. Glasser's book intellectually as well as emotionally stimulating. Dr. Glasser even has an example from his practice of a guy who wouldn't commit and the girlfriend who kept pushing and rejecting. It might help you understand there are other ways to get through to someone you love besides rejecting them when they don't act right. I wish you the best of luck.