this is the 3rd time it's happened. first when i was 5, then when i was 13, and now again when i'm 15.
i can't be bothered to do anything. i feel sick when i try and eat. i don't wanna speak to anyone. i burst into tears for no apparent reason. i'm constantly paranoid. i constantly feel like there's someone following me waiting on the perfect time to attack and kill me. i've completely lost all concept of time. i'm either oversleeping or hardly sleeping at all. i'm completely spaced out most of the time. just plain %#@&#! up really.
when i was 5 it happened coz i couldn't cope with the voices and thoughts i kept having in my head. then i learned to cope and made a friend and i was alright until i was 13. then that friend left me and my mental state got really bad again and people would catch me talking to "myself" and i was the complete reject of the school. i was extremely suicidal at that point. but just before i was 14 i made a friend. then a few more. and i gradually got better again. i fully trusted 2 people and told them everything. those 2 people have now left. i thought that would be the end of me. but i do still have 3 people. i now go out with one of them. and the other 2 of them don't really know anything. and i just don't think i can build up trust in them after everything that's just happened. i want to because i want to have a friendship like i had with the other 2. but those friendships %#@&#! up in the end and i'm terriffied it'll all just happen again.
i had my whole life planned with those 2. i was beginning to feel secure and like my life actually had a point and i was beginning to disbelieve the voices when they told me i'm just a worthless piece of %#@&#!. now they're gone and i've lost everything. my friends. my trust. my band. all my plans. everything
i really don't know what to do

-steph
xxx