(((Mowtown))),

When someone has PTSD, they do wonder if they are crazy, that would be "normal". Here is what I believe. I believe that when someone is traumatized and was even traumatized when they were growing up because of a family dysfunction, their amygdala takes over to where their brain is in a more primitive state of "hyper arousal" pretty much as a way of "self protection". However, a child doesn't really know that and adapts and continues to learn and grow in spite of whatever threatening dysfunction is in their environment.

I have read that what gets the brain out of "how the amygdala hijacks the brain" is continuing to learn and gain in knowledge everyday. So many people develop a way of disassociating from "dysfunction" that can be threatening and continue to develop anyway. We are actually designed to be this way so we can survive. What happens with a child that grows up in dysfunction is as they are threatened by certain situations, they begin avoiding things that remind them of how these threats take place. We "are" designed to find ways to thrive anyway and also "avoid" things along the way that harm us in some way. Lots of people develop this way and they talk about "just ignore it" and "just forget it". The problem with PTSD is that "ability to forget" is not taking place even when someone wants it to. We have memories that include "how we were affected emotionally" too Mowtown, and this is what you need to work on and make gains on, and that is a challenge with PTSD.

Mowtown, you have actually been doing a lot of things to help yourself that are "right", infact you have done these things all along. You keep making progress and you "do" know things intellectually, you just need to figure out how to make gains on that emotionally. This brain spotting is to help you discover these areas where you developed "emotional phobias" around them. It is not meant to traumatize you or further hurt you emotionally either, however, as you learn more about them and identify them, it can definitely become an "emotional challenge". However, you will also increase "the fear factors" that you also have surrounding these spots of challenges too. The thing about the area of the brain that stores our emotional memories is that that area of the brain doesn't have "language" to it. That is why human beings are always finding ways to verbalize "emotions". Often when we are "really" using our intellectual part of our brain, which is what you use when you do the math you do at work, our emotional part of our brain is not activated. So, when we have an emotional challenge coming forward, that is why it is harder to work and concentrate and accomplish things.

When you experienced a major trauma, you did not get the kind of "immediate" response that you needed. That can be even worse than a trauma itself. You have a history of this too. I have experienced this "bad response" too and others that have come here to the forum have talked about that too.

When I finally got out of the psych ward and began to get some therapy outside, every single therapist and even a psychiatrist said, "you went to the wrong place" for help. I did not know that, how was I supposed to know that, you did not know that either, you were just experiencing "trauma crisis".

So far you have talked about many things that have made you feel threatened. Well, that is not good for a PTSD/trauma patient. You are "not" crazy Mowtown, you have been traumatized and are reacting in the typical way a "trauma" patient reacts. Trauma is "fearing of losing everything we feel safe and comfortable with in our environment". Our brains are designed to go into survival mode when that happens so we can respond as needed with "fight/flight/freeze".

You have "normal" fears, however, they are just heightened and you are also more aware of any other life experiences that made you feel "threatened" in some way. That is not something "anyone" expects experiencing. But, that doesn't mean you are crazy. Most human beings also experience the urge to move away from what they feel is an unsafe environment, we are designed that way so we learn how to "thrive".

It is important that you continue to use your intellectual part of your brain in a way that keeps you in a "forward and healing direction". Different people gain on this in different amounts of time depending on whatever that person has experienced that somehow "threatened" them in their personal history. Triggers are not taking place to tell you that you are bad or failing either. All they mean is something is reminding you of something that has "hurt or frightened or threatened you" in someway and that you need to stop and learn how to understand it better to where you get so it doesn't frighten you anymore.

What you are also learning is that it is important to have the "right support" while you take the time to work this out too. When you are not getting the right support, you are actually also designed to "talk about it" and the reason for that is "again" to compell you to find something you can do to sound an alarm so that others can benefit and thrive better because of it. Here again, having others that can be supportive with that helps in gaining the ability to find a "calm". Actually, that is the driving force behind the entire field of psychiatry and psychology.

Something to ponder.

((Supportive Hugs))
OE