[x-posted with new member forum] Hey all, I'm new here and wanted to introduce myself. I'm a 26 year old mom living in the developing world with two children I adopted about a year ago. I run a nonprofit working with the orphanage they were adopted from, among other things. I'm married but my husband has been away the last few months, he'll be back on Tuesday. I've dealt with major depressive episodes and anxiety my whole life, and I'm on several meds which help. I was hospitalized once for depression about 6 years ago, but have been doing better since then.

I think my depression is back, but it's in a different form than I've experienced it before. I'm not sad or hopeless, I'm just exhausted all the time. I feel like I don't want to get out of bed in the morning and all day I'm just trying to get through and go to bed. It's not a physical illness, although I have been getting sick more often because of the stress. I am just emotionally completely tapped out and empty. Not that I'm emotionless as in apathetic, it's just really tiring to summon up the enthusiasm and energy for everyday life. I feel like I'm letting down my kids and myself, and all the other people who rely on me.

A lot of this is stress, and a lot of it is grief, and I'm aware of that. I'm essentially doing 5 people's jobs, in the developing world, as a new mom. It's impossible and everyone is clear on that. We're in the process of hiring new staff but it takes time, and our organization is growing REALLY fast. We also lost a baby girl at the orphanage a few months ago, tragically and suddenly, and I am still REALLY struggling with that loss. I have been so busy and overwhelmed that I haven't truly allowed myself to grieve, and I'm so stressed that I'm scared if I really let go, I will completely break down and be unable to function in my life. I have too many people depending on me for that. Lulu came to the orphanage and into my life exactly a year ago today, and I am not doing well with the anniversary. But again, I can't cry - even though I kind of want to - I think because my brain is suppressing the pain along with everything else right now, because it's just too much. There isn't even anyone else here who loved and knew her, and the only people who do aren't willing to talk about her. My parents are supportive but they didn't know her and it's just not the same.

I'm just struggling. Every day. I feel like I'm walking through molasses. I put on a smile and I get everything done but I am right on the edge. Help?