Jane, I wonder why you always express such guilt at feeling strong emotions? Emotion just is, it is an artificial construct to place a value judgement or moral judgement upon having emotions. Rigid societies and cultures which tried to suppress emotions and behaviors, such as the Puritans in early American colonial history, tended to become increasingly dysfunctional to the point that people rebelled and the system collapsed.

It's ok to be dramatic, and it's ok to break down and cry. Some times that is the best thing. If you were to really break down and cry in front of your T he would think ... You are human. We all do it. You are having a completely normal reaction, one to be expected, to your abnormal circumstances. That doesn't mean it isn't hard. But I think it just compounds everything, magnifies it as OE always writes, to feel shame and guilt over feeling emotions because you have PTSD/CPTSD. I wish you could not do that to yourself ... I know, pot calling the kettle black, just as I can't stop beating myself up. Jane, I see SO MUCH good in you that I really admire. Other here see it, too, I wish you could give yourself credit for it.

I think it's time to tell the cherry pie story. So, 2 years ago, Oct 2012, after I was sprung from the joint, I went to a couple of support group meetings. I'm sure you know the drill - go around the circle, give a little spiel about yourself, comment on what others say. So, there was this woman there, probably early 40s, kind of short and heavy set, sort of greasy hair, frumpy looking wearing sweats. When she talked, come to find out she was the co-leader of the particular group, but she had been inpatient a month or two earlier for a while, she had tried again it seems to off herself. Anyway, her husband's family were Canadians, and she said her M-I-L, who she said she loved to death, was really close to, had brought her a refrigerated rolled pie crust and a can of cherry pie filling, and had asked her to bake a cherry pie to bring for the family's Thanksgiving (Canada celebrates in October). She said that stared at it a long time, and the thought of having to do that was so overwhelming that she wanted to harm herself, thought about cutting herself for the first time in a long time (not as a suicide attempt, she had been a "cutter" prior years).

I found that really heartbreaking. And I vowed I would never allow myself to be so overwhelmed that I would fall into that kind of pit. I vowed to be a fighter.

You are too, Jane. You could allow your circumstances to overwhelm you to the point of dysfunction. But you don't, you keep moving forward no matter how hard. You should be proud of that.