I was never allowed to be "emotional", I was always a pain, I was starved of milk as a baby, fed less than my siblings because I was a chubby baby(only in my mothers eyes), I was needy because I cried, I was left alone in the dark....

I am not sure why I needed to type that, it is the smallest part, but somehow it is the beginning for me.....from there, my inability to respond to the world like 'normal' people do was changed. everything that I was, everything that I tried to voice was never ever ok. I had such a distorted view of myself as a person, in fact I had no idea who I was....all I knew was that whatever I was.....was wrong.

I showed my T photos of me as a child, teen and 30 ish......I could see him staring and he said nothing. I don't know why, I want to ask, he did thank me for sharing(it was part of a project I had to do for university).....but the significance for me is realising my distorted view of myself my entire life. I believed what I was told growing up...I was ugly and fat and lazy and useless. Those photos.....show something different. In my teens I was slim, 20-30s I was really attractive, great figure(imo).........I never ever saw that.

I'm just so overwhelmed tonight by how things could have been so different. I can't even think about the sexual assaults, abusive ex husband, or all the other traumatic things.........

These small things, these views of myself and realising how wrong I have been all my life........just makes me feel so desperately sad. I don't think I have allowed myself to feel this pain....for what I missed out on.....before. It hurts so much.

The other memories, keep flashing in and out.....I need for this to stop tonight. I am trying to keep the thoughts away..........

Sorry to ramble on.....this is not a good night.