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Our reality is scewed. I still feel fat, even though I am down to a completely normal and healthy BMI and weight, and I have a physique and a waistline and all of that. But I still feel fat, like I'm 225 lbs. I was overweight on and off for years, and it really did a number on me. I am just beginning to understand how much I used food to stuff down emotional pain. Honestly, I should have been 325 by how I ate, I guess what saved me again is my high metabolism and energy level, the very thing that was held against me as evidence I was manic. I think I was lucky I seem to have more or less conquered the emotion behind food, I am rarely triggered to eat emotionally, once in a while, but given the past two years, it's actually a major win for me, had I fallen into the old pattern 2 years ago I would weigh 500 lbs by now. Another stroke of luck, or a Silver Lining, I get all nausea when I am upset and can't eat - clearly I have been very upset for 2 years, I still puke a lot from nerves.
There is a song by the American pop star Kelley Clarkson called "You Can't Win" - it is apropos of your relationship with your mother as well as my experience with the quack psych and being labeled bipolar.
KELLY CLARKSON
"You Can't Win"
If you go, they'll say you're following
If you don't, then you're too good for them
If you smile, you must be ignorant
If you don't, what's your problem?
If you're down, so ungrateful
And if you're happy, why so selfish?
And, you can't win
No, you can't win, no
The one who doesn't quite fit in
Underdressed under your skin
Oh, a walking disaster
Everytime you try to fly
You end up falling out of line, oh
You can't can't win, no
If you're thin, poor little walking disease
If you're not, they're all screaming obese
If you're straight, why aren't you married yet?
If you're gay, why aren't you waving a flag?
If it's wrong, you're knowing it
If it's right, you'll always miss
You can't win, no
You can't win, no
The one who doesn't quite fit in
Underdressed under your skin
Oh, a walking disaster
Everytime you try to fly
You end up falling out of line, oh
You can't can't win, no
And you try, you try so hard
But it's wearing on your heart
And you play, you play the game
But you pay, you pay for it
You can't win, no
You can't win no
If you speak, you'll only piss 'em off
If you don't, you're another robot
If you stop, they'll just say you quit
If you don't, you might lose your ****
You can't win, no
You can't win, no
You can't win, nooo
The one who doesn't quite fit in
Underdressed under your skin
Oh, a walking disaster
Everytime you try to fly
You end up falling out of line, oh
You can't can't win, no
I can't win
The one who doesn't quite fit in
Underdressed under your skin
Oh, a walking disaster
Everytime you try to fly
You end up falling out of line, oh
You can't can't win, you can't can't win
So, the question becomes - if the game is rigged, the rules are corrupted to give an unfair advantage to the other side, why keep playing? Pick up your gear, leave the field, go home. Find another team to compete against, with an impartial ref and fair rules and honest teammates and opponents. In other words, STOP playing by THEIR rules. If that means ending relationships for your own survival, so be it. Maybe it doesn't need to come to that, maybe it just means you living by your rules, you doing what is right for you and healthy and sane and "normal" and if they can't handle it, you recognize it is THEIR problem, not yours. I know, again, easy to say, hard to actually do.
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