I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult time, with so much stress and responsibility. For me, anniversaries of the deaths of people I loved are very difficult. I begin to feel agitated some days in advance, can't sleep and find myself tearful at odd times. I've never found a way to prevent the feeling from coming if the death was especially unexpected and tragic, as Lulu's death was for you. You sound like an extremely loving person.

This is what has worked for me: As the feelings come, and I find myself sinking down or getting agitated, I remind myself that this feeling WILL pass. Maybe it won't pass forever, but the intensity will lessen for weeks or even months at a time. And then I tell myself that if it comes back, I WILL be able to stand it. I wont' like it, but I can stand. The intensity of the pain seems to be proportional to the intensity of the love and the tragedy of the early death.

I remind myself, gently, very gently, that I'm grieving because I loved, and I'm fortunate enough to have other people around me to love, people who need me.

My deceased loved one's would have kicked my behind halfway around the world and back again if they saw me refusing to live. They'd want me to grieve and go on. And I know that's true. They loved me and they wouldn't want me to suffer forever.

Lulu may have been too young to communicate complex thoughts but she would have felt your love and presence. No one who loves us would want us to grieve for too long.

Unfortunately, life sometimes does not give us time to set aside to grieve. We have to grieve as we continue with everyday life. When the anniversaries hit, I feel the sorrow with deep intensity and it helps to remind myself to let it wash through me and leave. It's a sign of how much I loved and was loved back. If I look at it that way, the sorrow becomes bittersweet rather than just bitter.

I hope you will be gentle with yourself during this difficult time. Your husband will be home soon and I hope he will help relieve some of the load on your shoulders.

Please remember to eat and stay hydrated, especially as the day of your husband's return approaches. If you can muster the energy or get help, clean up the house, have some food available and take the time to clean up and make yourself and your two kids presentable. Why? Things will go better if you don't scare your husband the minute he walks through the door. Remember to breathe. I hope you and your husband will be able to talk and he will help take over some of the responsibilities weighing on you.

I will light a candle for Lulu tonight and remember how much you loved her. Perhaps others here at PsychCentral will do the same, remembering her with you. Her life mattered and so did your love. That's a very special thing. It's worth celebrating. This pain will lessen ... maybe always be there, but it will lessen in time. The more we love, the more we suffer. And then we go on. That idea has helped me through the darkest hours of my life.

I will think of you with greatest respect.