((Jane)), When you talk about how your sister reacted when she picked you up, that was very unsupportive of her. I wish when someone was treated like you and I and others that family members were instructed in how to be more supportive instead of punishing the patient for struggling.

I was treated terribly by my older sister when I was in the psych ward in "shock and post traumatic stress". My entire family really treated me as though I was being selfish and wrong for struggling so much. It "should have" been different, they "should have" been there for me and comforting me and even brought me home sooner and even had me be with my own family for Thanksgiving Dinner verses sitting with a table full of strangers all suffering from different mental illnesses so confused as to why I struggled so much.

The reason why you cry Jane, is the same reason I cry buckets and Mowtown and others too. We are adults now and our adult mind knows more and knows we were not treated fairly by the very people who were supposed to "know" better. And the sad thing is that everyone who goes through this and can no longer surpress their emotions, all say "I am sorry".

Jane, you are afraid to cry in front of your T even? That should not take place, if a therapist is worth anything at all, the patient should be able to open up and cry buckets in front of the T and finally get the support and permission to let these trapped emotions out. That is actually one of the big messages expressed in Good Will Hunting. And when Will finally was given permission to "feel and cry", he said, "I am sorry", "sorry".

The hardest thing for me to do is have a thread where I share my challenges. For as long as I can remember I am supposed to understand "others" and yet try to find a way "not" to "talk about myself". I have realized that because of that I have faced a lot of illnesses in my life too. And when that happened I was often treated "horribly", even yelled at when I was literally dying because of how badly my body cavity was literally full of toxins.
I was not screaming, I was moaning because the pain was sureal and I was told to "shut the hell up" and that "no doctor would help me if I moan". My spleen was injured during a colonoscopy and I was bleeding internally, by the time I got in the emergency room door my legs just gave out underneath me, again I was "YELLED AT" , to knock it off and get the hell up. When my husband finally picked me up from the psych ward after I finally "begged, yes literally begged" to get out of there, he was HORRIBLE to me all the way home, just HORRIBLE. Jane, I was treated so badly for struggling with this PTSD, and anyone who struggles with it knows, IT IS NOT MY FAULT.

When I reacted with post traumatic stress and "shock" because I saw so much destroyed that I really loved and was so important to me, I was only having flashbacks about all that I lost and the neighbor continuing to "invade". I did not have flashbacks from my past until I was stuck with the Lawyer that sat across from me "shaking so badly he could not even hold a piece of paper" and how he was mentally declining. I kept trying to get help and no matter how hard I tried NO ONE WOULD HELP. So, what that did was bring forward my past because of how that is what I went through with my older brother who was not right and I was left alone with him so much. I felt sorry for both of them, but both of them were hurting me and in both cases I did not have enough knowledge to figure out how to get help without it hurting me even more. To top that off, that also happened with my husband who also had problems that I had to deal with and was often left "alone" with too. Honestly, in all three cases each of these individuals "got very mean" if I was not very careful. That is also exactly the way my older sister always was too. And that is also how my neighbor was, even when I tried to post a no trespassing sign, he tore it down and stood there right in front of me (I was alone again when he did that) and he said he tore it down "because he did not like it". I was hand walking a sick pony down the shaded driveway and my neighbors almost hit me with their car, even when I made a stand, "I was the one that was punished". Honestly, for the past seven years now all I have been doing is trying to fight back and I have been met with so many "dysfunctional" obstacles that I "could never have imagined" in my wildest of dreams. The "only" thing that has saved me is that I have a therapist that has also witnessed how bad it has been and "yes" it has been OK, FOR ME TO CRY ABOUT IT ALL IN FRONT OF HIM, he doesn't try to stop me, he is the ONLY ONE that gives me permission to vent and cry. He is the ONLY ONE that has seen me retraumatized over and over again too. And he has been helping me understand the different people in my life that are "dysfunctional" because they have "something wrong with them".

((Jane)), it was "never" your fault that you were surrounded by individuals that were "dysfunctional". Your mother failed to nurture you because she was "ignorant" and she still is. You deserve to mourn that because you experienced things that hurt you that led to you thinking badly about yourself and now you see it as an adult and "yes" it is sad. It is "important" however Jane that while you are mourning all this, that you make sure you don't "self punish". The "sorry" is not about anything "you" ever did wrong, it is just a sorry that "others did wrong to you". When anyone feels "sorry" because of the "poor treatment" they received from others did really hurt them, the "healing" is having support to get to a point where you really do realize "it is not your fault that you were hurt". The truth is "no human being should be "sorry" for only being human". This is where you need to "strengthen" that adult part of you that stands above all else to do "self care, self soothing, developing self patience, and being a strong presence in the mind allowing for
"true deserved healing" to take place. As you make "gains" on that you can actually become a person who can be supportive in the healing process that others have to also take to "finally heal" too. I have noticed this taking shape with Mowtown and he really is developing into a person who can be that much needed life line to help others reaching out that feel like they are drowning and alone. "Good posting Mowtown".

((Big Caring Supportive Hugs))
OE