My family of origin sounds somewhat like what you describe. My dad "spanked" me in a terrible way, which I now call beating. I had a love-hate relationship with him. Late in his life (he's deceased now for over 10 years) he told people he "never laid a hand on his kids," which was a lie. Anyway, my mother went along with everything he said. I called them "the folks" because I did not see them as truly separate individuals. My sister and brother and I have good relationships now -- IF I keep my emotional distance. You ask how people deal with these problems. One, I never visit my brother and sister in law. They can travel up here to see my sister and myself, but I (and she) never go there. Too uncomfortable on their territory. Two, for years I have refused to go to family holidays. On holidays, it's cook cook cook cook; eat eat eat eat; and then I clean up because I don't want to cook. I like cleaning up, but detest all this activity in the kitchen -- the person whose house it's at fusses over where and how things should be done in her kitchen. The third way I cope is I go places with my sister (and brother's family when they visit. Family gatherings at the homes of my nephews (who have big dogs that sniff my crotch and jump up on me) or my sister do not work for me, but going to a concert or restaurant with the extended family is always a lot of fun. Don't get me wrong -- this has not been easy to do. It took years before my sister and sister in law stopped grousing at me for refusing Christmas and Thanksgiving. But they finally got used to it. I used to be the scapegoat for the family disputes during holidays! Now I have discovered that disputes are still happening -- and guess what? It's not "my fault" because I'm not there! Ha ha ha! My sister and I have both had decades of counseling, and my brother is on antidepressants. This has helped a lot, but I still keep my guard up.