Hi Invisible, you must be feeling a lot of grief right now, and I can imagine it must be really hard for you I'm sorry
And just like zinco said it is bound to take time to "come to terms" with something like this. So while cryings OK, natural, unavoidable, and you probably are going to need to do some (a lot of) that, just make sure you're reaching out for support as well. It's a lot to hold in/hold on to on your own.
And please don't blame yourself for any of this, if you didn't make good choices, then they were the best choices you could make at the time, under the circumstances. It sounds like you had a lot going on for you/a lot to deal with and when we're under pressure/stressed depressed we probably are going to make some bad decisions, it's not your fault.
And it may not help to hear this right now but..........as for your horses, your home, your life, everything over...........well we're more going to be talking about another chapter in your life. It probably seems very bleak right now, and it won't be like before but that's not to say that as some time passes/the pain heals a bit, that it can't still be something really meaningful in other ways.
So keep on talking whenever you want/need to, we're here for you, whether it may help just talking, sharing the load, letting it out, whether we can give you caring, understanding or support........you're not alone.

Alison