I woke up this morning, not that long ago, and one of my first thoughts was......Oh my gosh, that post I made last night, I need to go and delete some of the things I said about my young life! As if by having them out there I felt too vulnerable, and also very bad for saying things about my family.
Well, I am going to leave them, because they are true. And now that I am removed from most of the intense emotion I felt last night, I feel a like it is kind of like exposure therapy.....leave all of that pain there, revisit it, read it again.....and try to validate it for myself. (Not really believing myself here, but trying lol)
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Originally Posted by MotownJohnny
Jane, it's a beautiful sunny late summer morning here in the Great Lakes region of North America. I know it's night where you are, your country is across the IDL and it's late winter in the Southern Hemisphere. We are all bound to the same Earth, all in a primal struggle to survive. My new T says that almost all behaviors ultimately serve a survival purpose, even if hard to discern at times. We know all of the major PTSD symptoms are about survival, all designed to make us fight, flee, or freeze. As I said, it is an artificial construct to put a moral judgement on behaviors that are so natural and instinctive - your sister needs to get the chip off her shoulder if she thinks she is so high and mighty that she could never be in such a position as you were - it really could happen to any of us.
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I woke up to a beautiful sunny late winters Sunday morning. I think I'll go out to one of the beaches around here and walk myself back to a semblance of balanced. I wish my boy were home today, he went back to his dad's last night, he'd love coming too. My T also talked this week about many of my survival strategies.......I have oodles of them!
That Kelly Clarkson song .........sure nails it. Damned if you do and damned if you don't....that was my reality. By the way, I don't know what 325lbs is(and can't be bothered converting right now), but I am probably that! I wasn't before, but I was never slim as an adult because I was too curvy to weigh less. But gee I'd be happy to look like I did a couple of years before my boy was born. Before I spiralled and got lost in comfort eating hell. I beat the alcohol, but this food problem seems far deeper and harder. Anyway......
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes
((Jane)),Jane, you are afraid to cry in front of your T even? That should not take place, if a therapist is worth anything at all, the patient should be able to open up and cry buckets in front of the T and finally get the support and permission to let these trapped emotions out.
((Jane)), it was "never" your fault that you were surrounded by individuals that were "dysfunctional".
It is "important" however Jane that while you are mourning all this, that you make sure you don't "self punish". The "sorry" is not about anything "you" ever did wrong, it is just a sorry that "others did wrong to you".
((Big Caring Supportive Hugs))
OE
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Thanks OE.
I'm not afraid to cry in front of my T now, in fact I cry almost every session. But they are quiet tears. I have not once sobbed, made noise while crying, allowed myself to feel the pain associated with the tears. It is hard work, and we are working on me allowing myself to stay with the emotion or feeling that is behind the tears. It frequently feels overwhelming and so I either shut it off, I dissociate to different degrees, I get angry, I change the subject........etc.
I agree that I need to mourn all of this OE. Like you were treated so badly, and I'm sorry you had to experience all of that invalidation and lack of support, so was I in many ways. I do need to mourn without self punishing as you put it.....I find that hard.
Thank you both for replying. You are both kind souls. I hope you have had lovely days on your side of the world......Sunday looks beautiful here. A friend just texted so I'm going for coffee at a plant shop then I'll head to the beach. I HAVE to get some writing done later as I have assessments due this week at university....law paper and a social work skills paper. Last thing I feel like doing
Take care
