"OE, I wish you could find more of a sense of catharsis by opening up about things - you have discussed a lot lately that you never used to, but you still are seemingly conflicted because of "their rules" of sweeping everything under the rug." quote Mowtown

It is not so much that, it is that I have "always" been so conflicted between being the one that filled a need, knowing how to see that need but also being "hurt" by that person's need too. I was not an enabler either, instead I would see the need and try to help the other person turn whatever it was around into "healing". I have talked about this with my T who told me I took on the role of nurturer and that role should have been there already. It was not that "no nurturing" was present, but there was a great deal of confusion and inadequacy.

With my husband for example, I noticed it was "more" than just alcoholism, I really wanted to figure out how to "help" him and not mother him as was told to do by the marriage counselor that told me that my husband only had the maturity level of around age 13 and "not" to let him push buttons in me to mother him. That was very, very hard as he really did push those buttons. I really wish I had that missing piece that my husband has compulsive ADHD. I can't believe my older brother had that too. The Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde I discribe is part of that disorder in both my Husband and my Older Brother.

I feel like I am "wrong" to talk about how that affected me so badly, like I am supposed to only feel sorry for these people. I feel like I have betrayed my husband because he did get sober and tried, yet he still challenged me because of his compulsive ADHD. I did not have the names/labels for these disorders, but I did see the challenge and I did want to help that person who struggled.

Now that my T has met my husband and immediately noticed the compulsive ADHD, he wonders how I managed to control that "giving yet it hurting me" that I struggle with, always struggled with and trying to get help with but kept hitting one stone wall after another. My T told me that unfortunately the help I was looking for just was not there when I kept reaching out.

I can see your scenario Mowtown, you saw the dysfunction while your sisters and mother were all enablers. You were the only "sane" one, you are definitely "not" crazy, just hurt in ways you didn't realize. They are jealous in ways because you do healthy things for yourself, they want to label you the black sheep?, no that is so they can have "excuses" for whatever they lack themselves. Is is best you never reveal to them how you struggle either because they will only use it to "their advantage" and they are too ignorant to even recognize that about themselves.

It is "important" to learn what the "put downs" mean when it comes to a dysfunctional family. It is a lot harder to do though when struggling with PTSD, but you need to learn how to do it so when these unhealthy scenarios come up they don't hurt you anymore.

This is like when Snow White ran through the forest and everything in the forest was reaching out to grab her, "that's what complex PTSD is", but whatever is reaching out is not "there in the now", it's about understanding that so you can look at it to where you don't need to run away and hide anymore.

((Jane)), yes, leave how you struggled up and allow your adult mind to think about it, grieve it, and get stronger "with support" so you can grow past all these things that have hurt you in the past. Everyone here knows how much hard work that is too, it is definitely no cake walk both psychologically and physically and it can be very inconvenient when a trigger happens and you have no choice but to take a time out and look inward with your frontal lobe that is used to doing a lot less work. It is also a lot of work to put it all into words too. As long as you are talking it out, that is always "making progress", even if there is a lot of emotion at times, even if you feel that PTSD depression, that just means you need to rest and let things settle because your brain is very tired. You are "not" crazy, you are doing what you have to do to "heal" whatever is hurting in you so you can move forward in your life.

((Hugs to all struggling)))
OE