What happened is exhausting and be too long why I didn't do it in my first posting, but what did happen was that when I was in love I found out from my first relationship. I wasn't infatuated I was in love, I was 14, at that moment I knew I was different and I am a nice guy, and I found out I know what I want emotionally and won't settle for less. We broke up because of a long distance relationship and mutually parted, but we met once it was real it was nice for both of us. Later I thought it happen again, with this girl who be my second ex, but the result was she was psychotic and abusive and blamed her responsibilities and her problems on me. I made one mistake to help a friend to lead this girl on to tell her the truth which I did because I didn't want her liking me nor him. I lead her on because he was crazy, she ended up liking me and I made sure I have no interest in her, that was the one thing I regret and made a true mistake while dating my 2nd ex, but she used that as an excuse to harm me emotionally more. I understand she was distressed about that, but doesn't excuse her behavior or her irrational behavior of committing suicide on the phone at school almost getting me expelled and telling me to kill myself after being on my death bed from a brain infection that almost killed me. After that traumatic experience and that one failure I did, I didn't let that go, because I felt like that was the only time I cheated, but unintentionally, because I didn't like the other girl what so ever. My next ex was a rebound and we became friends, but we are still close good friends she cares about me and I'm grateful we've become friends. My 4th ex after her I wasn't too crazy about, but she took me by storm with how we clicked as friend's became the only relationship that was too quick and rushed young love, you're a typical highschool break up back together drama I wanted nothing apart of neither did she, but in this case, I didn't do anything wrong like with zoe, she had Dissociation Identity disorder and switched personalities and was the worst relationship, because she was very abusive and histrionic. She always told me everyday how useless and a piece of **** I was, I'm weak and that if I don't have sex with her I'm nothing. We were actually a couple for two weeks, I lost my virginity to her, and even though she had a minor physical disability. I loved her despite her flaws she took my compassion as weakness and my interest or any attraction to her advantage to abuse me. She hit me in front of my family and friends for very tiny things, if someone else said those things she'd laugh and enjoy it. She had sex with every guy in her area and assumed she'd never did those things. She was a pathological liar known by her former bff who hooked me up with her who is now my bff. She saw that she fooled me at my last innocence that she'd wants a kid and purposely use my sexual attraction as a way to get her pregnant. I was mindless then, because my hormones are difficult at the time to control as a teen, she took advantage of that it wasn't just me who said that, but lots of her former friends, my friends, and my family. She got pregnant, but wasn't physically capable to bear a child, her father loved me and thought I was her best bf, but she always found reasons to humiliate me and he was angry with her because of her abuse. The child was aborted, and I was devastated and I still wish I could be pregnant and the mother not her, everyday, because she knew she would use her to do her bidding and she wouldn't get the love she deserved from her mother and she wouldn't have a father, because my ex.
After her, my final ex, was a very sweet girl, but hurting a lot, her parents were both dead, and she took her problems on drugs and alcohol almost put me down that path. I avoided that and took a high road, I got her life back together she became a model for pin up and I helped her on her application and made the phone calls for her. She was happy because I made her dreams come true, she really appreciated, but that last year when I dated her, I found out an ugly feeling that pops up that I should of faced on for once. I realized I couldn't fall in love the way I'm doing it, I knew I was different and found out happily I am different and I should stop hating myself from open relationship type stuff. I only brought it up once, at first with a threesome, see how it goes, she was open, but she didn't tell me she didn't want that. I told her explicitly if you don't want to you don't have to and I can be happy with you, she was in a lot of pain and didn't care she wanted to live young and free, but filled with so much pain from her grief. I am afraid of hearing she died now or something, because we were best friends.

What happened from all of them with the common theme, I didn't express my needs, I learned that now. When I did and it's not their way it's no way at all in general. If I open up to accept the love and give it back, it's always like sending a signal to a voicemail and hoping they'll call you back. When my emotions were shown I was made weak. If I open up, I'm not lovable.

I ended up hating myself, because not that I'm single, it's that I'm not what girls want I'm different and that I don't belong here I feel. I kept quiet I wanted to be in an open relationship, because I've felt I was a woman as I identified myself for all my life. I only wanted the physical relationship of a romantic committed relationship, but the freedom of a small close friendship knit group like girls do when they go out with their girlfriend's to have fun.

All my life, I knew I couldn't be something they want. I had to love and accept myself, but it's so hard. I've been very closed, and I choose not to take the risk anymore when I see the first signs they won't accept. I'm not afraid of stupid crap people worry about in relationships. I also wanted that now, because I have been diagnosed with stiff person syndrome in march and if it gets worst. I don't want to be on the ground unable to move and take care of myself. I'm very intellectual and I never had the mutual understanding on my end not just their end, I always got oh I understand you. It's this ignorance that guys can open up, I play very hard to get I make people chase me now, not because I want to, but I don't have a choice. I have a lot more to offer, but I'm not appreciated and I feel so scared when someone finds serious interest and they won't agree on me or accept with this and make it a fault that I'm a problem, not a solution or a friend.
I felt used, I want nothing to do with games. I don't play them, I don't lead people on. I say the truth openly puts em off, because I'm not like the others. I'm very straight forward, I see things online from girls on fb everywhere that they want open honest guys. In reality no, I've experienced otherwise and the girls that are cool and are what I need and like. The don't care for me, because I'm not the image they want.
This is combined with childhood experiences, of being completely different from everyone and not wanting to be like others. I never felt safe, because I'm different. I didn't choose the feeling safer in open relationships, it just came to me from a long time ago and I had to accept it now. When I dated those girls, yeah they looked gorgeous and beautiful inside and out, but I hated myself, because I felt like I can't throw myself on one person with love. Not throw my crap on someone, I mean felt my love had to confined jailed and feeling like I am a prisoner in my own emotions.

It was a journey to figure it out, but now I feel still used and empty, because it hasn't changed I'm still me, alone in what I feel in this world, condemned to want things out of norm. I can't help it and all I want is to be alone, because I haven't found anything anyone who knows me as a friend. I felt subconsciously happy when a person I fell in love with who didn't exist always came to me and knew me, but I never knew her name died. I lived with this grief she might not exist she may never find me again. This person I had sex with more than one person with her at times, but we were about us as friends and experiencing new things going on vacations trips, spending every moment doing little things that we both liked. She died, and I died with her, I wanted to withhold saying this, because it's difficult to understand, I've lived with it since I was born. I experience grief from past life stuff. I felt that she will find me now somehow may not remember me, but she wants to know me because she might remember me.

I hope this makes sense. I just can't stop crying, because I feel like she's so close I can't remember her name, but I know she's real. I just don't want her to be gone.
I hope this makes sense, because I feel like ****, because I don't want new love not because it's different, because it hasn't worked in the past. I do my best to make it work, but it hasn't. I don't know what to do.

I just get an overwhelming feeling of grief and disparity of a loved one I lost or a feeling I knew I felt, but it's now gone and I can't get it back how I did before. So I have to rebuild it in different ways. I was more open to be intimate emotionally with someone, but now I can't be intimate, because this society condones behavior to leave anyone inconvenient. So in that case, it's not all or nothing for me, it's me choosing and accepting dying alone, and hoping I find this person along the way.

I just feel hopeless when I feel my butterflies, when someone tries to love me, I feel the feeling first thing what will happen when they will try to leave when things don't go their way and I didn't ever do that. I didn't quit they do.