I am masochistic and people I am surrounded are so sex negative, I feel like every relationship has been the same, because I chose to not open up since I saw they aren't compatible and they want me to be their one and only and I know I can't do that, because they've shown they can't be anywhere what I feel connected to.

I don't feel empowered I feel weak and hurt every time I fall in love, because it lies, inconvenient, and above all satisfying I'm crying and sad and hurting. It's not that I want the abuse, but the pain emotionally from being treated like **** and cheated on and being forced to cry and being submissive. I took it too far in my head where, I wanted some people in my life to actually murder me in a very violent brutal horrific way, because of bdsm type of stuff. I keep things quiet about me in this way, because it's a mix of wanting to die in love and wanting to be free in love. My mind sometimes fools me that being murdered horrifically by a loved one, will set me emotionally free.

The fact is, I wanted to face the trauma's I've faced as a child for being almost murdered horrifically and tortured in a very cruel unusual way to enjoy that pain and die with it in honor. It's false I know rationally and easily, but it's so hard to admit, because I'm not suicidal. I'm beyond damaged, I'm not just some abused child like the stories I hear a lot, because I chose as a child that I used to believe that love was pain, and that true love was to be in a form of punishment that dying was apart of love's climax, and that they will love me forever if I'm dead and out of their life. It's a sick fantasy made by some sick people who've done very violent brutal things to me as a very young boy. Not by my parents, by people I grew up with in my neighborhood. I can't tell you how much I wouldn't wish this on anyone and that no justice was served to the people who harmed me. All I wanted to do is die, because I failed, and that love was the same after that from family friends everyone I meet. I wanted them to beat me as hard as they can I know how to fight well, but I choose all the time to enjoy the pleasure of being beaten senseless and watch people pity me, because of pleasure sake and deep down I just want to die, because I never felt love. I felt only the bigger hands, the lies, the seduction, and the true anguish I endure, because deep down I want freedom, but this is as close I've gotten. It's so hard to tell people even my therapist this, because they don't know my mom never knew she only knew the aftermath of my face, my dad never knew, my sister couldn't understand even if she tried, no one knew, because I seen evil and witnessed it.

I never wanted to fall in love, because it's enabling this. I do need help, but I can't go to a mental hospital it's useless. I ideally want a therapist who understands the nature of bdsm and kink with understanding abuse, and many aspects of relationships that are healthy. It's very hard to talk about it, because people who experienced a lot of trauma or don't never had understood. They like to categorize me as this or that and whatever is normal and that's fine, but it doesn't help me. I don't like falling love without feeling my lover is my murderer literally and I'll die from my stiff person helpless and vulnerable. I get scared of being tied down every night from my condition, because it reminds of being held hostage. I just remembered these suppressed memories and it's so unreal, with everything. I started my life not rough, but like it was like I was kidnapped feeling against my will and forced to do things I didn't want to do. I felt like a slave, a hostage, a low life, a person who is supposed to lick someone else's boots for a false hope of five minutes of fake friendship and emotional love. I never understood love, because it never understood me, I can't describe some of the horrors, because it's too graphic and not appropriate anywhere.
I still can't believe the police let him go free. I can still feel it, and you know it's taken form in people I like. It's so hard to love someone, not knowing if the rejection is going to be someone hanging up on you or their going to have someone hurt you. I had dreams all my life, for people I know who love me and care about me unconditionally can't hear my screams in a window and wave and smile at me gracefully while. I'm crying and screaming in silence, with my lungs bursting not able to give out as much, not knowing they can hear me that, "he's coming to hurt me please help." The fact is, I felt that vulnerability as like a captive in war or someone who has committed the greatest crimes in humanity to be tortured in horrific fashions. That's what it feels like to me, and I can't stop crying, because I want to feel free. I want to believe that I'm not trapped in this idea of God, religion, and the universe, all I wanted after I die is to never come back here. Never ever come back, I don't want to go to heaven nor hell, just far far away somewhere safe. I can't describe to you how painful this is.