Klange--

Relationships can be difficult and that first one we often never really forget. When we feel hurt by that it is often so hard to try or to even want to or to find trust again. I was married for 18 years, my first real relationship and love. When we divorced, it hurt and I said I would never be in a relationship again. And I am not sure I want to be, but it is not because there is no one out there. I just chose not to be, at least right now.

But when I look back now after years of feeling hurt, angry, self blaming, and sad at that loss, I see things in a different perspective. I was depressed, scared, and unsure how to go on. My life was a mess, still is with sorting out the abuse of my childhood, and even the abuse in my adulthood, but I have been able to see the good things, and to actually see more of my own part in it all than I could for a long time.

Relationships take a lot of work from both, and sometimes (maybe even often) it is really hard. But in mine, we both came from such different backgrounds, and I had a hard time understanding love, or that I even deserved it and I really could not accept it as my fear of it was greater than I even realized at the time; and I honestly still have a great fear of it. I pushed it away often times not even realizing I was.

I wanted to be loved somewhere so bad, but love didn't make sense, and it was always connected to pain, rejection, and conditions that I could never meet. It could seem it came but it could be taken away the same. What I thought was love always came with a price, a price I began, no always, fearfully pushed away. I was running away, looking for safety and love, but I didn't even know what love really was. Even his.

And though the reasons I felt/feel this way are real and have a reason, it was hard to allow love in, or even love someone like me. Depression took over, and I could not let anyone in, not even myself, and I believed what depression told me, I knew no better.

It took me a long time to step out again, and even though I have been in relationships since then, I have also learned more about myself and still have a very hard time trusting and feeling like I deserve anyone. But I guess what I am trying to say, I did step out again, and it wasn't the end of relationships. Like Sideblinded said, you are still young, and have many more tries at finding someone, and in time I believe you will.

I get the shying away from relationships, and that "I screwed up" feeling. But truth is we all screw up at times and feel it is our fault. But relationships take time to build, the willingness to work at it, and commitment from both. It takes being able to say I'm sorry, to communicate, and to be open and honest. Often that is not easy, but it does not mean it is impossible. It takes both people giving and taking, and trusting, not only in the other person but in yourself. Maybe even loving yourself, or at least liking yourself, before you can really love someone else. And for me I still stuggle with that.

Depression lies to us, tells us we are not any good, that we will never find someone, and often can blind us to the truth. I know that when I am really depressed I cannot often hear the truth, or even believe there is any. That blackness can be so dark, that it feeds the lies, maybe lies we always believed or were made to believe. But you are someone worth having a good relationship, and worth having a happy life. (Now if I could just believe that myself, funny how we can see it for others but not us---another one of depressions lies and traps I am still trying to figure out and grasp often myself.)

But I believe you will find that someone, that you will rise from this and be able to have a happy life. Give yourself time to get over this loss, to grieve and to work on yourself. Sometimes we get in such a hurry that we step into the wrong relationships wanting one so much. But if we wait, and not look so hard, the right one finds it way to you. And you will know when that happens. Maybe I am just old and old fashioned, but I believe if someone is meant for you, it will happen when it is supposed to.

I do validate how you feel, and I understand. I'm glad you reached out and hope you will continue to. Just know you are not alone, and that there are many here that know what you are going through at least on some level, through what they have gone through themselves or with others they know.

Depression is a horrible thing, often pulling us away and into its grips. But it will lift and lose its grip and you will be able to step out into the light again. Give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling and to know it is okay; that you do deserve to find someone and be happy. Give yourself time.....time is what you need to figure out what you want and to find the right one.

dps