Teacake, I am just a compassionate human being trying to understand what you are going through. From what you say there are many violent thoughts going through your mind but you have the wisdom not to act on them. I commend you on that.
From what you are saying your medicines do not quite feel right. I think it would be a mistake to stop consulting with doctors. I know the ER is not a fun place - is there any way you can make an appointment with a psychiatrist with medicaid so they can evaluate how effective your medicine is dong and possibly consider changes?