I had a violent panic attack yesterday at work. I've been lying to everyone, myself included, and claiming that all my little hyperventilation episodes are just asthma (which I may or may not actually have). Anyway, the bloody thing was more violent than it's ever been, with my hands and face getting tingly and numb. This isn't the first time it's happened, not even the first time at work. Sadly I'm just a huge ball of ****ed up and with me slipping back into depression I can't say I care that much. So what if they fire me? I'll get another job, and then they'll fire me too for all my stupid little mental problems.

I'm getting off track. I ended up in some emergency room for a few hours with my aunt. Not sure why I consented to go, because god knows how I hate hospitals. Gonna have to pay some unreasonable fee just to be wheeled in (at some point i got so dizzy my legs gave out) calmed down via people telling me to calm down, forced to wait for a few hours to be told "You aren't having an asthma attack, you should go see a doctor", and then sent out. I can't afford this ****. I'm a college student. And they want me to see a doctor too.

I thought moving out would solve all my problems. I guess I was the problem after all.