I used to drink a lot to deal with my depression. When I "quit" (meaning when I realized that drinking everyday was no longer working and just making the depression worse), I crashed hard into a lethargic depression that lasted for a few months.

I came to realize that a huge part of that depression was being alone with my thoughts. Knowing (or, in many cases, having heard) what I had done over those years, especially the last few months when it was really bad; knowing (or, again, having heard) how I treated the people around me made me feel ashamed, embarrassed and unworthy of continuing on.

I don't know if it will help you, but my old therapist told me about that self-compassion stuff. (If you haven't heard of it, look it up, it's quite interesting and helpful.) It might have helped me out a bit back then when I was going through that post-boozing depression and it might help you get through yours... if only just a little bit.

People with BP often have a rough relationship with alcohol (as many of us know) and yet, we continue imbibe at times, hoping something has changed since the last time. We are just human. We all slip up from time to time.