Not sure why I'm making a thread at all, I suppose because I don't want to tell anyone in 'real' life but I want to tell somebody. Trying to get up the courage to leave my apartment and go to the emergency room of a hospital in London that has a good reputation for dealing with suicidal people. But I am so terrified in case I'm just absolving responsibility and that I should be able to deal with this myself

I genuinely feel I can't count on my ability to keep myself safe anymore, last night was the same but I took more pills than ever before and it finally knocked me out. Now it's worn off and I'm in the same position.

I feel like 10% of me wants to live and is devastated at how close I'm coming to grabbing the drugs and taking the overdose - this is what is frightening me, all suicidal thoughts before have focused on refining my plan, thinking about taking the first step of the plan (booking the hotel room) and while that is horrible it just goes on a loop of that. But this time it's different. I keep having intense urges to just do it right now, in my own room. It's disgusting but in those minutes the fact that my poor roommate would discover me doesn't even factor. Stupid, stupid things like looking at my clothes hanging up make me feel sick and set off a fierce impulse to do it right now. Right now. Because nothing can get better. The thought of the next hour makes me panic let alone years of this feeling.

I'm quite sure if somebody else described this to me, I would try to get them to go to hospital. But I'm hesitating because I think that 10% that is horrified at what I'm thinking/feeling/doing should be enough to keep control and keep me safe. Except it doesn't feel like that. I don't know if I can maintain control.