**sorry I thnk this comes with a trigger warning, I'm not great at recognizing triggers for myself let alone anyone else**

I can't get this thought out of my mind.

If just once, I steal again, one time, will I get to the extreme I once did?

If I drink just once, one time, will I yearn to finish the bottle, will two drinks be too much? Would that be so wrong?

If just one hit, would that make me delve back into the life I once had- this one, I have no desire for, but my last time was 5+ years ago.

Does it really take that ****ing long for the wanting, the needing, to subside? Jesus, it's sometimes like torchure.

That's why I think I hold on to my 'last things' with all my might (ED and SI) and refuse to acknowledge the feelings associated with them. It's all a bit overwhelming. Not to mention just coming to light in dealing with my CPTSD. :/

I'm scared to be too needy for my friends or even my T. I've faction end such the 'perfect' exsistance, sure I fell apart at times, but everyone does. No one ever knew it was this deep.