I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time-I've been there, and it is excruciating. If there is any doubt that you can keep yourself safe-if you think there is a chance that you might act on a suicidal urge, then yes, absolutely, you MUST go to the hospital.

Is there any way for you to text or call your T? I know when I've been in a really dark place, getting in touch with my T and creating a plan has helped keep me out of the hospital and safe for the day or night.

Please feel free to PM me-if I can be of any help, I am here.

Keep reminding yourself that these thoughts, feelings and urges DO and WILL pass-but they are hideous to weather while you are in them.

Stay safe.